How we are

When we are hungry

When we are taken advantage of

When we are uncomfortable

When we are slighted

When we have wealth

When we have the upper hand

When we have a privilege card

...is who we really are.

Enchanted to meet you

It's been a long time coming, so I think this deserves a blogpost. I mean, who would have thought I'd meet RB on a Holy Friday... after visiting churches in scorchingly hot Metro Manila... and praying to the divine for a new lease on life? Could this be a sign, a serendipitous event, or a ticket to reality?

Kinilig ba ako? Not really. Hindi naman sya nagpapa-cute eh. He was wholesomely funny and glaringly uninterested. To him, I was just an audience, a captive one. It felt like his punchlines and memes online came to life. I was surprised to know that the showbiz persona aligns with real-life. It was fascinating to be at the receiving end of his witty banter. It was good (so good) while it lasted. 

Throughout the years, he was pretty consistent, and I was not. He still does not believe in "forever" and continues to avoid marriage and kids. He still hates stupid people and Duterte (although Davao City seems to have a special place in his heart). He still basks in his celebrity status (albeit sarcastically) but remains in touch with the concerns of the common man. I, on the other hand, had forgotten how awesome he is. For various reasons, my affinity for his humor faded. My reality diverged from his target market. My views dissented from his advice and teachings. 

He had probably forgotten by now that he met me. I am sure I did not make a strong first impression. With the passing of time, I will probably forget I met him. Life will throw more reasons to let go and move on. Besides, as he would always say, "There's more to life than love." 

"This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you." - Taylor Swift

Revenge saving

Like a company during recession, I did not hit my financial targets last year. I aimed to save at least 30% of my annual income but fell substantially short. Did it bother me? Obviously yes, since I am blogging about it. Could I have done more? Sure, I could have penny-pinched here and there, but that would have been at the expense of personal convenience and peace of mind. I would rather spend more money than overthink, argue with someone, or go through unnecessary steps. My priorities shifted.

After pandemic, it felt like I had to make up for lost opportunities and appreciate the things that [I realized] I took for granted -- like checking items off my bucket list, catching up with friends and family, and pursuing personal advocacies. I doubled down on traveling, networking, seeking new experiences, and in general, putting myself out there. These activities require spending money. If not money, time, which, as the famous aphorism goes, is also money. I was revenge spending.  

When I reflected on the year that was, I realized that I had taken for granted the opportunity to grow the money I had spent. While I did not regret traveling to Mongolia or moving to a new home, there were times when I had spent more than I should, simply because I can. While that is a great feeling and a privileged flex, it can also turn into a dangerous precedent (e.g., friends might think that I will always foot the bill), a hedonistic habit (e.g., I may never want to book anything lower than a 4-star hotel), or a lifestyle that I will have to maintain (e.g., branding myself as an art connoisseur). 

This year is all about tightening my belt without sacrificing my simple joys. Perhaps shifting my priorities again -- saving over spending, creating over consuming, simplicity over indulgence -- and reminding myself that I can give and do more if I have more.

I'm back, homies!

I have been away. I did things that I should have done long ago. Things that put me in a better headspace. Things that gave me more confidence. I would like to believe that the changes changed me, but somehow, the transformation still feels unfinished. 

I moved to a new place. Still within Kapitolyo, but bigger space with better view. I now have a dedicated space for my home office and a balcony where I can finally live out my plantita dreams. The move made me realize that I have accumulated an insane amount of stuff over the years, but it also made me realize that I did not have the essentials and that my possessions were pretty low quality. Maybe I was being a cheapskate or maybe I just did not have good taste. In any case, the upgrade set me back financially, but it was all worth it. My new home reflects my personal aesthetic and accommodates most activities and things I wish to explore. 

I travelled less last year, because my bed has become more comfortable than any hotel bed. I dined out less, because my kitchen is well stocked and complete. My home office has a library, arts and crafts area, and has the best view of the Kapitolyo sunrise. There is no dull moment or space. Living in my home is an adventure in and of itself.

I have already invited a few friends over. My arki friends were pretty impressed with the level of personalization. My work friends think I finally have something to show for my income (maybe I am really a cheapskate!). Some friends are just happy that I have become domesticated and have taken a break from my YOLO lifestyle. 

Island vibe

I just spent eleven days in Boracay. I'm not sure if I went there to escape my normal life or if working while on vacation is already my normal. I did not like losing half of my day at the beach to sleeping in (so as not to disrupt my sleep cycle) and I did not like partying at night either. Although the island becomes a big watering hole at night and people go there for that trap, that is not really my kind of vibe. What I did like though was my brush with local people living their everyday lives. When I travel, I gain new perspectives from their reality and reinforce old and forgotten, but necessary principles in mine. 

I was fascinated with their brand of hospitality and service. When you are competing with a hundred other hotels or leveling with Manila-based chain and specialty restaurants, you have to find your niche and up your game. When there is an endless pool of potential customers, you have to do your thing well and fast every time. When the market is diverse in age, quirks, and status, you have to know your customers, and attract them and milk them for as much money as possible. Ah, free enterprise! It brings out everyone's ingenuity, productivity, enthusiasm, and greed. The customer either receives the best services or gets scammed. 

I was amazed by their pride of place and work. I was glad that I did not visit Boracay during pre-island lockdown. I cannot imagine what it must have been like back then -- without restrictions on beach activities, means of transportation, garbage disposal, business ownership, etc. It must have been pandemonium. Locals themselves are thankful for the intervention. They said that it stopped the "every man for himself" mentality. It made them think collectively as a community, as stakeholders, as island dwellers, and as Filipinos. They know the words "sustainable," "zero waste," and "zoning plan." I learned that some ramen places, Vietnamese cuisine restos, and Mexican-themed bars are owned by Filipinos. They have this interesting practice of synergizing businesses -- they have inter-business discounts; you can eat your lunch in one resto and order your dessert or coffee from another; individual tour guides and jetty porters operate in informal, honor system rotation or relyebo fashion. What a delight to see them uplift each other and their industry succeed because of collective effort.

These are what I look for and appreciate when I travel. My outlook in life changes a little bit each time I return from a trip. I am thankful that I have the opportunity, money, and time to see other realities, experience moments of learning and discomfort, and have these realizations and thoughts as a takeaway. So where to next?

Fraudfest

Fraud news abound these days. Whether hedge funds exposing billion-dollar conglomerates or crypto project's own undoing, the scams and schemes are too nefarious for my naive mind. I always believe that people are inherently good and when conflicted, that they will choose to be good because of the social systems that govern. If the reason for upending moral and ethical values is survival, I can understand. If the goal is for the common good, I will probably sympathize. If the motive is not selfish or greed, I am willing to listen or argue. No one is infallible. That is why the law provides for exempting and mitigating circumstances. But if the intention is to get ahead at the expense of others, or to flex one's superiority over another, or to amass excessive wealth by luring and duping the less fortunate, how can authorities turn a blind eye? Are they not complicit by doing so? Makes me wonder, "who is the real fraudster?" and "who is defrauding who?"

Weekend shenanigans

Ballet recital on a Sunday

I guess my blogposts now revolve around weekends with friends. Since I got back from Davao, I have been meeting friends non-stop. I am not complaining, but as an introvert, these activities are a revelation -- that I can thrive in a social environment. I might even enjoy this new lifestyle. I like feeling awkward every now and then. When I am awkward, I tend to listen more. I realized that people like to talk about themselves a lot. I call it the Kris Aquino syndrome -- "Ay, ako kase..." or "I don't know with you, but with me..." It's fascinating and torturous. In the back of my mind, I have thoughts like "Kailangan nya ng blog or podcast" and "Sounds like a personal problem." Yes, I internally judge like that, but don't we all?

Another thing that I observed is that I am now more assertive with recommending places to eat to my friends and work colleagues. It's always "I suggest this, but if you want something else, let's go for it." Surprisingly, no one has a stronger stance on food (and coffee) than me. I used to be the kind of person who orders the same food as the others. Now I am the person who asks if the order can be served in two separate plates or if the egg can be over easy or if the rice can be replaced with a salad... Of course, I will never replace rice with salad! LOL

So cheers to celebrating weekends, pushing boundaries, and reinventing ourselves!

Favorite playmate

I met up with my college friends yesterday. Freya, Naj's gifted child, thinks I am only ten years old. I don't know why she had that impression. I mean, that was just our second meeting (the first time was during her first birthday) and I definitely do not look young. Hello, gray hairs and fine lines! But as the day went on, I noticed that Freya enjoyed my company more than the others. She would always go to my side of the table. She would ask me stuff like do I play Call of Duty or any video games. She would invite me to dance with her (in public!), which was sort of embarrassing, but since I was with a 5-year-old kid, it was also kind of OK. At one point, I took her away from everyone to show her beautifully decorated animal cookies -- no stranger danger reflex whatsoever! We played PokemonGo while everyone else was busy discussing old people problems. When we had to part ways, she cried and made me promise to attend her birthday party next month. She told her mom that I was not her favorite tita, but I was her favorite playmate. 

Maybe she was comfortable around me because I did not make her feel that she was just a tag along; or because I did not take her interests and actions as juvenile or improper; or because I did not correct her when she said that I am just 10 years old. I think kids are drawn to me because I do not have that parent vibe. After all these years, I remain to be a Peter Pan.

Am I that important?

A friend asked me if I will consider donating my eggs. My immediate answer was no. Not really prepared to justify my answer, I just said something along the lines of me not being important enough or having the best biological traits. Then my friend went on to say that her reasons for considering egg donation are to leave a legacy to the world and to fulfill other people's dreams of becoming parents. While the conversation may have been a good way of picking someone's brain, I did not appreciate her apparent aim of trying to change my views. I believe that that kind of conversation is the lowest form of dialogue. When something boils down to one's preference and values, there is no use telling the other person that your choice or view is better.

Now that I have more time to think about the topic, my answer is still no. Unless a person is after the financial compensation for selling her eggs (yes, that's selling, not donating), I think that the person will have to be a narcissist to even think that her eggs in particular are needed by the world at large. What is so special about you that you have to spread your DNA? What philanthropic responsibility are you fulfilling by allowing intergenerational social complications? Also, I think that children from your eggs are not your "legacy to the world" unless you raise them yourself or give them your name (which you will not do when you are merely an egg donor). A contrary view would suggest that egg donees can never have a legacy and that parenting is not important in producing a human being, at least a functional one. Besides, there are other ways to leave my mark on the world -- probably, something arising from my abilities and industry, rather than from the life of a once extracted egg cell.

The last of the freedoms

Six years ago today, I left my hometown to embark on a great adventure called self-love. I wanted to be free of the burden of pleasing my family. I thought I would be looking after our family home for the rest of my life. The look and feel of that house and everything in it made me lonely and sad. I did all kinds of errands for all of them -- I took care of their bills, taxes, and debts; I secured for them their school, church, work, and government documents; I reached out to friends and relatives as the official family emissary. I eventually realized that I did everything they asked of me because I was trying to prove that I am worthy of my family's love and attention. I had formed abandonment issues when they all left for the US (and Palawan for Ate Ching), which I am still healing from until today.

I went through the highs and the lows of starting over in my new place. It was hard to find real friends and it was even harder remaining friends with people I only met in the workplace or through a new network. The change gave me so much anxiety and self-doubt. For a time, I kept a facade of accomplishment, independence, and confidence. I did not want other people (my family most of all) to know that I was having a hard time and thinking that I made the wrong decision. It was only through vulnerability and honesty that I found real joy and real friends.

I still do some of those stuff for my family, but I no longer think of them as a burden. I do them because it is the least that I can do as a family member. I am no longer scared of losing anyone's love or feeling unwanted. For as long as I can choose how to live, I am right where I should be.

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Viktor E. Frankl