understanding me

time tells stories.
memories fill the heart.
feelings create investment.
interest builds hope.

but...

leaving is an option.
parting is inevitable.
moving on is second nature.
forgetting is forthcoming.

then...

absence quenches passion.
distance fades a promise.
silence numbs a calling.
void widens the gap.

now...

the person is immune.
the mind is unyielding.
the senses are incognizant.
the will is implacable.

deadmahin ang group hug

to you who think i have been acting weird lately,

to start with, weird talaga akong tao noon pa, so that should not come as a surprise. i am just so freaking busy. i have law school and work. lawschool is crazy when you're in 4th year. and work is just as demanding (even more). home situation still gets me paranoid once in a while. and bills will always be a perennial concern. now tell me that my problems are same as yours. if they are, tell me how to go about them because it looks to me that you're having a breeze in life. i'm really trying my best here, so please don't add to my growing worries by telling me that i make you worry. yes, i worry when others say they are worried about me.

i will text if i am not ok. i will share when i feel like sharing. my friends and my students know that i am not one who keeps bad vibes and grudges. i say what i mean and i mean what i say. i am very transparent. if i am having a bad day, you will know. that is why i don't want to communicate lately... because my bad day will not be reversed if you know that i'm having one, will it? and i don't want to be spreading bad days myself. and i'll be happy to think that at least one of us is having a good day.

please don't think that it's you. it's never my habit to blame others for my misery. but it's definitely you if you keep on bugging me about not being in my element. hehehe yes, i can still joke about these things, because i am not sad. i am just floating and maintaining status quo. some days give me shit. some days give me highs. some days are just better than others. but everyday is always a potential historical milestone, so it's such a waste if i just spend it convincing you that i'm ok or [worse] worrying that you're worried about me being strange or weird.

this is getting long. i don't owe you an explanation, do i? what i'm trying to do here is to let you understand that my life is not just about you. it's also about my work and law school and the house that i'm trying to maintain and the bills that i'm trying to pay. it's mine and i know you know what i mean because you have your own life. don't waste it worrying about me being weird because i've been weird since time immemorial... and that i know you know it, too.

always me.

peter pan

sa sobrang bored ko sa buhay, kung anu-anong goals na lang sine-set ko para sa sarili ko. gusto ko may sport. gusto ko vegetarian. gusto ko mag-violin. gusto ko maging lawyer or pwede ring rockstar. i always believe i'm a real-life peter pan. yung tipong ayaw tumanda. that's why i have to keep the exterior as youthful as my soul. i don't dress my age unless it's necessary. i hangout with younger people and call everyone else "ate" or "kuya" kahit mas matanda naman talaga ako.. hehehe. and lately, i have become more healthy (if that is even possible) kase i want to join a triathlon. ayun ang bagong goal. hindi na enough ang patakbo-takbo lang. gusto ko lumevel up. magse-set ulit ako ng target.

 

sabi ng tita ko, why not set when to get married. naku, that's hard. ang tawag dyan sa obligations and contracts ay "potestative" - dependent on the will of another person. pwede rin casual - dependent on chance. hahaha... pwede rin mixed (chance and will). mas ok magset ng goals na purely potestative on my part. yung tipong wala akong aabalahin at wala ring karapatan na abalahin ako ng iba. siguro i'm really a selfish person and i'm doomed to be single. nakikinikinita ko na nga eh. di bale, hindi naman ako tatanda. i'm going to be peter pan flesh and blood.

you give me the chills

i can't wait for this to end
to finally not be around you
it gives me the creeps
when you do things
that make me jump off my seat
i just want to disappear
from your cold-blooded stare
i melt instantly
everytime there's you
and me and the world stops
for a moment i drift
to a dreamland of my own
i wish to see you
scorned and bruised all over
at the end of the day
if fate has its way
i would meet you
to say the words i suppress
i will hold my horses
for this lifetime
to your great disappointment
and for my own satisfaction
a wondrous fulfillment
to have been given the chills.


NOTE: i like this poem because if you read it one way, it sounds sweet. and if you read it in another way, it sounds angry. double meaning ba!