Stepping up

I just received my confirmation as committee vice-chair for IPBA. I am entering unchartered territory here. I try to avoid leadership roles because to stay on the sidelines is safe, easy, and stress-free. I always joke about being a perpetual member of the "suggestion committee," where all I do is provide suggestions and let the powers that be figure out how to execute them. Actually, this appointment came about because I commented that the committee chair's "invitation to nominate" email did not contain any attachments about the vice-chair's responsibilities. Me and my OC-ness and inability to shut up! The chair must have thought, "If this person gives a shit about email attachments, then she surely gives a shit about the organization." 

So here I am, accepting a two-year term to not only participate, but to exert my "best efforts" to carry out my duties and responsibilities. I'm scared and excited at the same time. My goal is to just enjoy the ride, but it would also be nice to meet some wonderful people along the way and make a difference in my profession. 

Christmas rush

It's Christmas season and gift-giving is upon us. More than the former, the latter is the real reason for the Christmas rush. People rush to the malls to buy presents. People rush to parties to give out these presents. Inaanaks rush to visit their ninongs and ninangs to receive presents. People rush to their hometowns to share their bounty for the year. Like Santa Claus, people rush to ensure that they are able to give presents to as many people as possible -- people who they should be thankful for but have neglected throughout the year. People use this one occasion to be remembered or to be relevant, and just as quickly as the Christmas spirit, fade away from each other's lives, only to resurface in twelve months.

Generosity should be an all-year-round virtue and not an occasion-based act. If people express gratitude and appreciation (whether through gifts, service, or words) as often as they should, there would be no need to cram gift-giving in that two-week period leading to Christmas day. If people remain present and involved in each other's lives throughout the year, there would be no need to attend all these reunions and parties for the sake of catching up or making their presence felt. People can avoid the rush if they focus on the real reason for the season -- remembering Jesus' birthday -- rather than on the justification for gift-giving.

Now Playing: Christmas In Our Hearts by Jose Mari Chan

Walking on eggshells

I am old enough to know that there are people who live alternative lifestyles. The kinds that are outside the norm. Immoral by some standards. Irrational to the reasonable person. I am also old enough to know not to question preferences and feelings for the sake of preaching my values. I'd rather listen than give advice or opinion because even with all the facts laid in front of me, I know that my view can never be that all-encompassing or impartial. My unconscious biases can get in the way. False consensus effect is real and uncontrollable. And besides, no one has the monopoly of wisdom or truth. I refuse to make assumptions because that will lead to baseless and unnecessary judgments. I can only offer respect to a fellow human and if solicited, an objective account of what is considered just under the present legal regime. 

I recognize that people need to experience certain things at certain times in their lives. A baby needs to fall to learn how to stand. Adolescents need to explore to find their identities. A person needs to love to know her boundaries. And just because a person has gone through certain things does not mean she has the right to "prevent" other people from committing the same mistakes, learning the same lessons, and experiencing the same trauma. No one is an expert in this so-called life. We are all given a lifetime (however short it may be) to seek our happiness, to know our truth, and to fulfill our destinies.

Ode to my airfryer

You were in my cart for two years

I was then still on the lookout for a better deal

To be sure, I observed my sisters'

But it was my parents' that had me convinced

I waited a little bit more to get you at a bargain

When you arrived, you were bigger than expected

I did not have enough space for you

You were complicated

Your manual was difficult to understand

I kept you in the box for months

I even thought of returning you for a refund

One day, I decided to fix myself

I decided to be healthy

You offered to take out the bad stuff

You promised not to make me wait long

You give me something delicious each time

I started to depend on you

I discover something new about you every day

You take care of me as I take care of you

Now I cannot imagine my life without you

The essence of success

If you can absolutely do nothing and be rewarded, would you risk your lavish lifestyle, guilty pleasures, and addiction? I know it sounds like a trick question or an MLM opening line. To clarify, to "do nothing" means to do nothing that will make you feel you "need" to do the thing (e.g., work) and to do only things that will make you happy. Others call it "freedom." I call it "nothing," as it literally is a blank in space and time, which you can fill in with anything you want.

It is difficult to resist the allure of the "dasurv" mentality. You worked hard, so you play hard. You deserve to reap the fruits of your labor. However, most of us were brought up under a system of cycles. We do something to get rewarded, but we know that we will have to do the same thing again over and over, because the appeal of the reward has become too strong, too familiar, too attainable. Why give it up?

Three words: Fuck. You. Money. What if you can walk away from your shitty job, give your employer the middle finger on your way out (to use the FU term literally), and have enough money to maintain your desired lifestyle without needing another job? No more hamster wheel. No more Monday blues. No more performance evaluation. 

I deserve to enjoy all the days of the week, not just the weekend. I deserve to wake up to the sound of birds chirping, not the alarm on my phone. I deserve to spend my days inspired and energized, not coasting or languishing. So yes, I will risk it all to have the life I deserve.

Killing a part of me

I feel cold every time I eliminate fear and comfort. Because I am so calculated and predictable, I do this move swiftly and without looking at the variables. When I change the status quo, I do not check my emotions. I just do it. However it turns out, I just know it was meant to be.

I remember the time when I quit a job where I truly excelled, because I could not see myself doing it for the rest of my life. I just walked away without saying anything. I woke up one day and decided to buy a one-way ticket to Davao, without any clue of what awaits me in my hometown. I never spoke of that chapter to anyone until now.

I remember the night when the guy I had been pining on for years finally told me he’s taken. Like a true friend, I wished him well, but I told myself that I will no longer see him or give him favors like I used to. If he will be happy, then it should be with the person he chose.

I remember when I stopped talking to a friend. She said she’s tired of me and like a fuse, I just snapped. I have not communicated with her since then although we live in the same city and move within the same circle of friends. For me, friends should never get tired of each other. Those who believe otherwise are not worth my time.

I believe we all kill a little of ourselves every day to make us feel more alive. The things and persons that hold us back or make us comfortable are the scariest, because the minute they disappear, our world will fall apart. So it is best to keep them at arm’s length or to cut them lose while you are still in control.

Tonight, I feel I should kill another part of me.

Dating grifters

Instagram dating gurus are full of shit. They operate from two polarized points of view. If you listen closely to what they are harping, you will understand why our society is full of unhappy and entitled single people.

They tell the guys to work on themselves but tell the girls that no guy is too busy. They tell the girls to have standards but tell the guys that a girl will be submissive to the right guy. They tell the guys not to respond to her text right away but tell the girls that the right guy will not make them wait. They tell the guys not to be clingy or desperate but tell the girls that the right guy will always find ways to make them feel special. 

Seriously, these dating grifters should try harder or, at the very least, discuss among themselves to come up with more harmonious dating rules and advice. Dating is already hard enough as it is. They should not confuse the already star-crossed lovers and complicate things. But I guess we should know better than to trust these relationship charlatans who suggest that love is a one-size-fits-all thing.

Kudos shmudos

When clients breathe down your neck on a daily basis, it is easy to doubt whether you are still doing a good job. If you missed an issue or a deadline, you question your efficiency. If you made a wrong assumption and provided advice on that basis, you question your competence. If you spoke candidly and the client took offense, you question your eloquence. If you had to explain yourself, you question your worth.

They say, "practice makes perfect" or "practice builds confidence," but does it really? When every client has a different expectation, can you really rely on your experience? When each matter is highly nuanced, do you allude to what is familiar or conventional? When a person says, "I eat this for breakfast" or "I can do this with my eyes closed," I suspect those are just motivational self-talk. No one really believes that pompous prick.

On those rare occasions when someone expresses his/her appreciation for what I do, I find it hard to accept the praise or recognition. I dismiss it by saying, "I was just doing my job." Perhaps I am just so used to receiving complaints that a "thank you" to me is nothing more than a closing spiel.

For the oppressed

Oh! To be young and passionate about self-advocacy! A funny throwback to that time when my only concern was how to sneak outside food into SM cinema. I don't remember why I started this petition. I must have been so pissed. LOL

Pahintulutan ang mga manonood na magdala at maipasok 

sa sinehan ang pagkain o snacks na binili sa labas ng food 

stall nilang "Snack Time."

Travel hacks from Tin

My former manager, Tin, and I had lunch today to celebrate my 3rd work anniversary (akalain mo tumagal ako ng three years!). As we both just got back from our respective travels, we exchanged pasalubongs, and I got new travel inspo and hacks from the super traveler herself.

1. Emirates. First. Class. and never go back! The personal chauffeur makes it all worth it. 
2. No vacation time is wasted if you travel by cruise. The ship is a destination in and of itself.
3. Travel must-haves -- Portable Vaccuum Sealer and Portable Steam Iron
4. Buying foreign currencies is a travel investment. Buy low, spend high!
5. No one regretted meeting up with work colleagues from other countries, so reach out and go for it!
6. Choose a partner who loves to travel, but only one of you can be the travel planner.
7. Traveling to celebrate occasions (e.g., birthday, wedding anniversary, etc.) is more powerful than traveling at random. I learned that they are called milestone or celebratory trips.

I am so glad that I found a kindred traveling spirit in Tin. We may travel differently, but we share the fascination with exploring new places and appreciation for this privilege.

Truth in shrinking

I think companies have the duty to disclose if they are doing "shrinkflation." Its application to some products is more concerning than others. Surely, a bag of Doritos with five chips less will not be that alarming or important. But there are products and goods that affect the consumer's budget or the result of a process or the customary practices. Like if the usual cooking instructions will change the quality of the processed food (e.g., the volume of water for a brick of instant noodles). Like if the package of the ingredient is the usual measurement of a recipe (e.g., a stick of butter, a can of milk). Like if the product is the standard for a ration or usage (e.g., a tube of toothpaste should last for a month). 

In a time when brand loyalty and consumer reviews influence consumption, I think companies should assess if shrinkflation is the appropriate business strategy.

Boiling point

When will the frog realize that the water is hot enough for it to take the leap? Its threshold for pain by then has already adjusted. It has already acclimatized to the current conditions. The initial conditions are already forgotten, unrecognizable to the frog, and no longer the benchmark for what is ideal or tolerable. Is the frog now without recourse?

There would have been obvious warning signs. If the heat has caused the frog's skin to go numb, surely the sight of blisters, redness, and swelling on its skin would be hard to ignore. The water may be clean and calm, but the steam and mirage could not be that inviting. Although the frog, an amphibian, requires access to water to survive, it will undergo metamorphosis as it ages. By nature, it cannot stay in the water forever. It will have to surface to find food, mate, and sufficient air (oxygen). 

This post is not about the frog in hot water.

The third side in a dispute

Never say "no" if there can be an alternative. Conditional responses. Counter offers. Affirmative defenses. Even a dealbreaker or a hard pass can be up for discussion. Nothing is set in stone. 

Your answer can be time-bound. Maybe it's a "no" for today. Your answer can be clarified. Maybe it's a "no" until you understand the consequences. Your answer can be qualified. Maybe it's a "no" if there will be other parties involved. Your answer can be challenged. Maybe it's a "no" until you find a middle ground.

If parties are only allowed to say "no," then they either walk away with nothing or stay, hold the line, and reach an impasse. In any case, no one wins.

Why are you so into Pinot?

"I don't know. I don't know. It's a hard grape to grow, as you know. Right? It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact, it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked-away corners of the world. And -- and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh, its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and ancient on the planet."

-- Miles Raymond, Sideways

Single in the city

During my recent travels to Batanes and Camiguin, island municipalities that are still predominantly rural, I noticed that life in those places is simple and nothing much is happening. Locals would ask the perennial question of why I am traveling alone. Then they would proceed with asking about my marital or romantic relationship status. I find these questions quite intrusive and rude, but I understand that my situation is unusual to them, and they probably are just intrigued. People there still marry at a young age. They do not leave their family homes. They still believe in childhood sweethearts, shotgun weddings, and ever-afters. They think that I am living a sad life.

I am not sure if I want a life that is that simple. In my space, marriage is just an option and no longer a definite life goal. The metropolis offers more activities to do, more people to meet, and more plans to realize. I can transform and have transformed myself several ways in this lifetime. I am sure that someone who knew me from my childhood will not recognize the person I have become. I am also sure that my previous crushes and love interests can no longer swoon me over. Life, whether single or married, is not sad when you do not feel that you are stuck in a rut. 

Chasing sunsets

Sunsets are underrated. In a tropical country like the Philippines, sunset is not guaranteed. After a long sunny day, the clouds are heavy by day's end and are ready to release a drizzle or a deluge. People are already too exhausted by then to notice the changing hues of the sky and are likely rushing to get what little fun is left for the day. Sunsets cast shadows on the pavements, mark the start of the illicit and taboo lifestyle, and beckon crunch time/overtime for the busy or unproductive. 

People think that sunrise is harder to catch -- you have to wake up early, wait for the sun to emerge from the horizon, and endure the piercing rays of the early morning sun. They say that sunrise sets the tone for the day -- Is it a good day to go for a run? Will I get a whiff of the pan de sal from the nearby bakery? Will Manong Taho pass by today? Sunrise is the usual backdrop for hope, redemption, growth, and good coffee. Sunrise is the crowd favorite, while sunset is the underdog. 

As a night owl, I live for sunsets. Sunset is a day well spent, a job well done, a reunion of friends and/or families, a homecoming, a chance for a last-minute workout, and a time to let go. Sunset is beautiful because it does not demand anything from us. It patiently waits for your attention. It only takes whatever is left of your energy. It allows you to be yourself. It does not judge your priorities or perspective. 

Life in the slow lane

When there is little stuff to do, life slows down. Time seems to stretch, and you suddenly have time for everything you need to do. You get enough sleep. You have time to stop and ask for directions. You have the time to cook your food. You can smile and make friends. And if you are in an extremely good mood, you start to dance to your favorite summer tunes.

When the only choices are to walk and to hop on a habal-habal, the only question is how far the destination is. When the only choices are to eat and to sleep, you do both. When the only choices are to be alone and to talk to a stranger, a smile can be a conversation starter and at the same time a way to not be thought of as a snob. Nothing is complicated. Every choice makes sense. Suddenly, there is enough space in your head to think about things that will make your life better.

Aspiration or expiration

Mottainai is a Japanese term for the sense of regret they feel when something valuable is wasted.

I do not like collecting things for the sake of collecting. A pile of untouched or unused stuff reminds me that I have been impulsive. It tells me that I failed to prioritize either their utility or my time. It reflects a scarcity mentality or behavior. 

Like a saved video or podcast episode that never gets played. Like a bookmarked article with a clickbait title that gets buried in the list of favorites. Like the books on my headboard with bookmarks and dog-ears halfway through the pages. All of them waiting for my attention, existing in such a wasteful state, and never fulfilling their purpose.

But things are inanimate. They are not at fault. They will never feel that sense of regret. They do not choose their value to a person. So it is all up to me. What is my intention for acquiring this thing? Will I delay, ignore, or forget? Do I want to be enriched by it or do I want to merely possess it? 

Fun fact: Tsundoku is the Japanese word for the stacks of books purchased that remain unread. What a beautiful language!

The thief of joy

When we compare ourselves to other people, we deny ourselves of happiness. Since we will always find someone whose life is more appealing than ours, we will inevitably feel envy or self-pity and forget to be grateful for what we have. Some blame social media for magnifying this experience, but the truth is people's lives have always been on display and people have always been interested to know about other people's lives. Because the reality is people want to fit in, to belong, and to be accepted. This is a great source of happiness, but sadly, the fleeting kind.

The challenge is for us to know that we are enough, that what we have is sufficient, and that our lives are to be lived differently.

"Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little." - Epicurus

Hubris gets you

It gets even the richest and (arguably) the most intelligent of us. The Twitter takeover is nothing but Elon's ego. Sure, he thrives in the tech space, but spare me the freedom of speech battle cry. When did he ever care about protecting civil liberties anyway? 

Clearly, I am not an Elon pumper. While I do respect his ambitions and innovations, I think a lot of his achievements have to do with social privilege and being at the right place at the right time. He is not a god or an alien from the future. He is not a hero. He is not infallible (no one is), but he is not humble either. And the latter is the root of this whole Twitter shitshow. 

He thought he can do a better job than those who have been trying their very darn best for eight years to keep the platform afloat. He thought that censorship is arbitrary and biased. He thought that freedom of speech is absolute or at the very least, easy to regulate. He thought that identity verification is only a status and should be made a commodity (rather than a policy and security feature). He thought that individual subscriptions can replace corporate advertisers. His actions reflect these thoughts. He is wasting everyone's time and playing with people's emotions. 

I think I will stay out of Twitter until Elon's arrogance and fit of madness dies down.

Ponzi bros

I am not really a crypto fan. I am more of a crypto lurker or crypto skeptic. I am fascinated with the concept of blockchain technology, but since I could not fully grasp its value and effect on the things that I do, I try to stay clear of investments and "assets" that are related to such technology. Sometimes I feel that I am missing out on the excitement and potential income of cryptos and NFTs, but diving headfirst into something that I do not fully understand is not really my thing.

When SBF and/or FTX (at this point, for me they are one and the same) started buying out failed cryptos like Voyager and Blockfi, I already smelled a stinky bulad. Everyone seemed to be sold on the messianic or humanitarian reason for such buyouts (read: to help crypto firms and their investors). I knew there was a catch. Other than perhaps increasing FTX's client base, the buyouts were not supported by any logical or financially sound explanation. The failed cryptos have depleted client assets or reserves and have tarnished, unredeemable reputations. Why is SBF going after these crumbs? Turns out, he is feeding a flywheel, a glamorized digital Ponzi. What a sick joke!

I am blogging this crazy day in crypto history to remind myself to stick to what I know and to always remain curious.

Hello, Rona!

I knew this day would come. It's just a matter of time and level of viral load. 

I did not recognize it right away because the symptoms appeared one by one. I got drenched in downpour brought by typhoon Paeng and thought the colds is just the result of naulanan or the change in temperature. Then the sporadic bouts of cough came without warning. I thought the shortness of breath was only a sign that I was out of shape for the daily hiking. By the time I reached home, the colds worsened to a condition of nasal congestion. It was then I decided to take an antigen test. A faint second line sealed my fate. I am officially one of the cases.

I am still recuperating. I did not expect a protracted period of recovery. I hope the countryside views and fresh air will do me some good. 

Blank Book 811

When life seems hopeless,
When unhappiness fills your days,

When days become routinary,

When stress has become part of your life,

When friends have slipped away.

When family cannot be bothered,

When love is out of reach,

When sorrow has become a companion,

When failures become inevitable,

When worries pile up,

Batanes happens and you realize everything will be alright.

The power to decide

When you have nothing to lose, decisions are swift, purposeful, and authentic. There is no need to confer with others or to save face. You can trust your intuition or rely on your basic instincts. No buffering. No further deliberations. No analysis paralysis. 

Of course, your actions still have consequences. After all, you are responsible for your decisions. Choice demands accountability. Since you acted on your own volition, there is no one else to blame for the outcome but yourself. Perhaps this is where the problem lies.

The hesitation comes from the fear of causing your own misery. It is easier to think that you are the victim of external forces than to confront your values and intentions. But when you have nothing to lose, indecision is already suffering. Worse, making decisions based on other people's opinions or on societal pressures is relinquishing freedom, accepting ignorance, and wasting life.

A case for the good enough

Slip-ups are inevitable. They say, "To err is human," but even machines have glitches. If that is reality, then why do people aim for perfection? If mistakes, oversights, and failures are bound to happen, then why do we feel sad, disappointed, and beaten when they happen? We continue to expect for the best outcome. We wish for the ultimate prize. We celebrate every superlative in every category. These social standards fuck us up from the get-go.

When I review contracts, I would strike out any obligation that imposes "best efforts" or "highest standards." I only accept a standard of care, skill, and diligence that is ordinarily exercised by competent professionals, because "best" and "highest" can be vague or subjective. These are standards which may be in excess of what is generally acceptable in the industry and standards which the consultants will probably not be able to meet. In short, best and highest standards are unreasonable. 

I propose that we have the same standard for ourselves. Why don't we settle for good enough? Why don't we aim for something reasonable? Why don't we celebrate the ordinary and the average? They say a person should reach for the moon, so that even if she misses, she will land among the stars. I say a person should aim for the stars, so that satisfaction is actually attainable and there will still be room to grow and improve.

It is what it is

An opinion

We are all entitled to

Free speech

Is it really free?

If circulated

If made public

If inciting a crime

If insulting a person

If slandering a group

Is it still protected?

Professional ethics

Sub judice

Decency

We are restrained and enjoined

We abide and admonish

What if we were wrong?

When is the right time to speak up?

If we only have our version

Does it still matter?

Everybody is a genius

Sometimes I feel like unfollowing or leaving the group. Worst case scenario, blocking it altogether. When people are aware that there is an audience, they change and put up a narrative. One that suits their egos. Today a victim, tomorrow a star. The word "humblebrag" exists for a reason. Toxic positivity is disgusting.

I am sorry if I sound a bit dark and negative today. It's just that I cannot escape the fact that I went to UPD. Twenty years has passed, and people from that part of my life have not changed. We used to have this org logbook at our tambayan, which now has moved online to FB Messenger. It foments the same social animosity as that existed years ago in the hallowed pages of our logbook. People still diss each other. Nagpapataasan pa rin ng ihi. Nagpaplastikan. Nagde-deadma-han. The people who acted superior then still think they are superior today. There is a very thin line between sharing and showing off and an even thinner line between questioning and shaming. You can find all of such behaviors in that GC. Where did the adults go?

I already muted the group so I will not get notifications, but I get tagged every now and then. Although I consciously avoid reading the messages, my Inbox Zero mentality sometimes gets the best of me. I wish I can be as tolerant and unaffected as Alan. That guy does not give a crap. He does not backread or participate in discussions. He has accepted that everyone chatting in that GC is a genius and he is not. Brilliant, isn't it? Goes to show who is the real genius.

Writer's block

It is getting harder and harder to write. Not because I have nothing to write about, but because I feel that the way I write does not fully capture the ideas in my head and the emotions in my heart. I also feel that my routinary life does not provide much interest or appeal. Very few things jump off the page and when they do, there is this inner struggle of whether I should share them here or keep them to myself. If I share them here, am I bragging or airing my dirty laundry in public? Although this blog is practically hidden, by writing on this platform, I am still opening myself up to criticism. Although the objective of blogging is to document my life, just like other online content creators, I still feel the pressure of constantly coming up with new ideas or topics to write about. 

I have a couple of theories though. Maybe I have stopped acquiring the essential skills. Maybe I do not see the value in writing something for no one.

I think I should be reading books more than listening to podcasts or watching videos. If I want to write something worth reading, then I should read something worth writing about. 

I think I should invite people, preferably strangers, to read my blog. If I want to have a sense of ownership/authorship over my posts, then I should be able to stand up for my work and convey it to an audience. 

A case for the nice

It starts with a smile. Of course, since I am still wearing a face mask, my chinita eyes will have to show that. I follow it up with a sincere question of "Kumusta?" (How are you?) and if that does not merit a response, then I tell the person, "It's OK. It will get better." As I resume my pre-pandemic life, I noticed that people have become nicer, more polite, more engaged, and more empathetic. Maybe the feeling of anxiety and isolation during the lockdowns has something to do with it. Maybe the warmth of human connection has touched a yearning heart. Maybe the lonely soul finally has a reason to break free. 

I, myself, have become kinder to others and myself. Less judgment. Less chastising. Less outbursts. Less rage. I mean, what's the point? What's the big deal? So what if we do not get what we want? We are all going to die anyway. Why hasten it by being rude and pugnacious to other people? Have you tried being nice instead? Not only is it more constructive, but it is also more rewarding. But it is better to be nice for its own sake, and not for the reward. When someone is nice, the small, insignificant deed or word has a ripple effect -- the good kind of karma.

The person at the laundry shop told me that I can get my clothes a day early. The check-out staff at Uniqlo gave me a bigger paper bag. The barista at CBTL served my coffee at my table instead of calling my name at the counter to pick it up. The pop-up store gave me a "secret discount." All these because I took the time to ask them how their days are going, to call them by their first names, to say the magic words "thank you," and to throw in the extra "keep the change!"

Nice people may finish last, but they definitely get better outcomes. 

Single, but not available

When you are single and unattached, people assume (albeit erroneously) that you have no commitments. People think that you can easily uproot yourself and come to their aid. People expect that you will be the party to bend over backwards at every circumstance. They demand like they own your time. They take like they have the right over your being and possessions. They quip about your aloneness like you will not be offended. You are the target of every wedding joke although you are the wallflower in every wedding.

People have these misconceptions because perhaps you allow them to have them. They know that you will give in and accommodate their "requests." They got used to you getting used to them. The more you do not care about your situation, the more they do not care about your situation. The more you pretend that these assumptions do not bother you, the more they will taunt you. The more you make yourself available to them, the more entitled they become.

Now Playing: Fix You by Coldplay

Happiness, not goals

In less than three months 2022 will be over. I have abandoned my initial goals midyear because of health scares, dire economic downturn, and relationship woes. But those goals were replaced by more compelling ones. I am in better shape now. I have become more aggressive with investing my money. I have become more selective with people I spend my time with. The bottom line is still happiness, but as we all know, there are several ways to feel happy.

The stoic in me always believes in memento mori, but not just remembering mortality, but that life is short. When I remind myself that "now" is all I have, I can easily distill the non-essentials. Sure, I still plan for meetings, travels, and contingencies, but if there is a better way to spend my time now, then everything else has to take the backseat. The essentialist mentality also allows me to ruthlessly edit my cravings, possessions, and other things I consume or keep. It makes letting go, tapping out, and turning down easy, guilt-free, and even satisfying to some extent.

I like this version of myself, and I aim to keep the momentum going. I do not have goals and deadlines anymore. I have practices and general direction. I will no longer view my life in years or any measure of time. At any given moment, I know I am capable of changing, growing, and deepening my reality. That I think is the essence of happiness -- it is not a goal, but a state or condition whereby a person knows she has everything that she needs.

More ideas, less me

I said I will not filter myself in this blog, but I think I should. 

I have been writing about myself, but nobody cares about my life. Heck, there is no one to impress here. No one visits this blog. This blog is unsearchable. My former followers/readers have all moved on. I no longer teach, so there are no snoopy students anymore. My friends have taken their self-promotion to some other social media platforms, where hashtags are superior and writing is not a requisite skill. I doubt if my family keep tabs on this blog. Everyone is busy and self-absorbed. 

In a space where I am free to express my views, why should I be limited to my own personal narratives? I should be more circumspect and ruminative about the topics and events I discuss here. I cannot be the next Seth Godin if I sound like a narcissist or a fake pundit. This is not the diary of a wimpy kid. This is the blog of someone who wants to change her mentality, her identity, her life. If I only echo my current thoughts and feelings without delving deeper into aspects like struggle, motive, conflict, historical antecedents, and other underlying themes, I may not fully grasp and appreciate the existence of such thoughts and feelings. I may miss out on the lessons of the past. I may just be recording my life and not the value it could bring to the world.

The path of least resistance

My friends would often ask, "When will you be back in Davao?" I know they mean when I will return for good. There has always been this impression or understanding that my relocation to Manila was just a temporary itch that I needed to scratch. Like an OFW had to earn money abroad so she can retire comfortably in her hometown. Like a Filipino migrates to get a green card, but eventually repatriates to enjoy her pension. Like money was the only reason why I left.

This understanding is misplaced. I moved because the opportunities for growth in Davao are limited. Although I formed solid friendships and professional networks there, my interests had expanded beyond what the city can offer. Once I had experienced what working with international lawyers and corporate teams felt like, I knew it is the world that I want to be part of. When I started meeting movers and shakers during my travels, races, and conferences, I wanted to be one. My eyes were opened to possibilities. I realized that the only thing stopping me from the life that I wanted is the fear of failure.

Davao is familiar and comfortable. It offers the path of least resistance. I was valuable and respected in my own circles there. The likelihood of failure is slim when you have friends and connections you can rely on. If I stay in this small pond, I could be one of the big fishes. 

But had I stayed in Davao, I would have already failed at what I could become by not trying. I would wonder if I got to where I am because of my own merit and abilities or because of someone's personal preference or good graces. I would have "what if" and "what does it take" questions looming over my head. I would have lesser appreciation for growing pains and small victories. 

I will stay in Manila for as long as it serves my purpose. If it becomes familiar and comfortable, I may also leave this place. One thing is certain though, I will always seek growth and I will never cower in failure. If that entails that I have to move again, then I will not hesitate to do so.

Now Playing: Try Everything by Shakira

Odd one out

Working during travels is hard. Keeping routines during travels is harder. Working and keeping routines while traveling with another person is the pits.

I hate the feeling of being accommodated. I am so used to living alone that I go about my ways without really thinking if they are "normal" by ordinary human standards. It is only when I get a brush with these standards that I realize that I am functioning at a level others would consider depriving, disciplined, or weird. 

Am I an inconvenience? Or am I being inconvenienced? If I sneak out of the hotel room to do my daily walks, will they mind? If I am still in my fasting period, am I a KJ if I tell them to go ahead and eat without me? If I talk about personal finance and books I have read, am I being a showoff? If I propose to spend more money to save on time, will I be considered out-of-touch?

"If you wish to improve, be content to appear clueless or stupid in extraneous matters." -- Epictetus

Note to self

Stop chasing guys who do not choose you. You know where that leads. Heart break. Emotional damage. Questioning your self-worth. Self-pity. Self-loathing. Doubting if you have ever loved. 

The worthy one will be strong, unwavering, persistent. He will see the real you and will accept you - flaws, faults, insecurities, weirdness, personalities, talents, potential, dreams, ambitions. Not piecemeal. All of you. The kind of commitment that you are willing to pursue. The kind of acceptance that you are willing to give. That is what you deserve. You may not believe it now, but he is out there.

"Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?"

"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve."

"Can we make them know they deserve more?"

"We can try."

- Charlie Kelmeckis and Bill Anderson, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Let's be honest

There are two sides to every story -- one is yours and the other is falsehood. You trust your belief until you are confronted by a compelling argument.

We do not reveal much of ourselves to new acquaintances. But if we start off on the wrong foot, how do we correct first impressions? How do we explain ourselves if/when we get caught? How do you tell someone that you were not being completely honest? Is there a difference between lying by omission and false representation? 

Truth is that which corresponds to reality. But what is reality? Is a smile not real? Are words not real? Are feelings not real? Do we tell lies because we are afraid or ashamed of the truth? Do we pretend to persuade others or to convince ourselves? Do we hide because we do not want to be seen or because we want others to dig deeper, investigate, and remain mystified? Are we not worthy of acceptance?

Did we dodge a bullet or just lose our chance to be happy?

Now Playing: Wrong Impression by Natalie Imbruglia

Conventional wisdom

I was in 7-11 when the person in front of me asked the cashier if the store has any remedy for diarrhea. He said that all pharmacies he went to were already closed. The cashier answered in the negative. The person then turned to us (other customers) and asked if based on conventional wisdom we know how to cure an upset stomach. I just stood there. My mind was blank. I was not helpful, knowledgeable, or curious.

I am not street smart. I do not know a lot of useful information. I have no strong opinions on issues. Sure, I was a girl scout (a cadette even) in high school, a staunch student leader in college, and a mountaineer for a time, but I can solve a quadratic equation faster than starting a fire. I can argue a case better than rallying the troops. I would rather search Google than recall information or make a calculated guess.

This is comforting and scary at the same time. It means I can change my mentality (and hence, my reality), but does it mean I lack conviction? It means I am open to new ideas, but does it mean I am easily manipulated? It means I rely on facts and verify them, but does it mean I discredit experience and emotions? 

Staycation with my girls

The long-planned, long-overdue staycation with my work friends finally pushed through this weekend. We had been planning to meet up ever since mobility restrictions were lifted. Some of us had already moved to other companies, but we stayed in touch through our GC and if our schedules permit, our weekly calls. We are at different levels of our careers and have different challenges in our personal lives, but our genuine interest in each other's stories is the glue that holds us together. 

We knew we wanted to visit IKEA (as some of us have never been there), so we booked a room at TRYP by Wyndham. In Google Maps, the hotel seemed within walking distance to most of our desired places to visit. Fourteen minutes to IKEA. Fifteen minutes to buffet restaurants. Nine minutes to Hypermarket. Two minutes to the nearest Starbucks. Boy were they all off!! Was Google using a Western person's stride length and cadence? Someone should recalibrate those travel times.

We had dinner at Gen Korean BBQ. The in-house band was superb. The food was fresh, hot, and fast (garlic soy chicken is a must-try!). Sadly, there were no desserts on the menu. We wanted to try Randy's Donuts, but the selection was limited, so we settled with Llao Llao's froyo. Actually, we did not "settle" like we had no other choice. We lined up for more than 30 minutes to get the treat. I'd say we really wanted froyo that bad. 

We then picked up a few essentials at the Hypermarket. By "essentials" I mean our pulutan of meats, cheese, and chips. I brought the bottle of rose that has been sitting in my fridge since January. I was reserving it for a joyful occasion and this meet-up felt like one. Time flew by so fast that night. If not for the mosquitos and the limited supply of alcohol, we would not have ended our chitchat and reminiscing. 

The next day, we fulfilled our IKEA dreams. The girls had their lunch at the store's restaurant, while I had black coffee to maintain my fasted state. We played a game -- who can resist the budol force of IKEA. For sure, hands down, I will win the game. I had roamed around IKEA before without buying anything; surely I can do it again. And I did.

The staycation was a success, we declared. We decided that we will have another one. Next time we will go to Tagaytay. We will save our stories and count the days until then.

Mundane life

I have nothing to share today. My life is pretty basic these days. I am not saying it is not interesting. Just unremarkable. Sure, I may stumble upon great finds here and there. I definitely feel grateful for staying on top of things. I am happy to be alive at the very least. But will today standout when I look back five years from now? I am positive the answer is no.

"The way you live your days is the way you live your life." I am not sure who said it (internet attributes it to different persons), but it sounds pretty scary to me. I live my days like a monk or a prisoner. Quite ironic since I can roam and think freely. Also, there are so many ways to connect with other people and to acquire knowledge and ideas in this day and age, it is quite impossible to feel isolated. I know I want consistency and some level of certainty in my daily life. But do the things I do everyday make a life worth living? I am not sure. I have not thought about it. I hope life will take care of itself.

For someone who has nothing to share, I just said a mouthful.

Words of the wise

I recently met up with my former manager. She was, by far, the best one I had. Supportive, compassionate, competent, and genuine. We did have our conflicts, but she did not take them personally, which is one of the many things she taught me. Never hold a grudge against others or yourself. No one is perfect, so always choose to be kind.

In many ways, I consider her my life and career coach. She does not impose her views on me, but she provides valuable insights. After she left the company last July, I learned that she has been enjoying every bit of her well-deserved break. She learned how to make good coffee (barista style!) and is currently learning Spanish. She has been meeting old colleagues and traveling with her husband. I am pretty sure her mini-retirement is not all roses and sunshine, but I know her to be an optimistic and undaunted person. Again, everything is just a matter of perspective -- happiness and suffering included.

I told her about my dissatisfaction with my merit increase. I do not really care a lot about money, but I fiercely care about justice. So when I see inequity I cannot be expected to remain silent. But I do recognize that I am not particularly good with office politics, so I reached out to her for advice. She never disappoints. Her advice was simple and direct, one that I could have easily dismissed. She said to give benefit of the doubt and to have that difficult conversation. There is no way around it.

Great! I'm trapped

I have been busy or what others call "distracted." The new routines require so much effort. That is normal and expected. However, I already have prior commitments and it is such a challenge to work around well established activities. I cannot just shift my pace and mentality in a snap. My brain does not function like a light switch. I need to build momentum and wind down at each junction. But I carry on. I do not want to fail, because I am terrible at forgiving myself. There are days when I just want to throw in the towel, literally and figuratively. There are days when things slip through the cracks gradually, and then suddenly. A never-ending cycle of disappointment and picking myself up. But that and my firm resolve that I want a better life are constant and certain. Also, there's taxes and death.

So work has been swell. Yes, swell. Not a typo error. I really hate performance and rewards season. I am not comfortable talking about my achievements and defending why I deserve a raise. It is my least favorite aspect of corporate life. Sometimes I would reflect and say, "Who cares about promotion? Who cares about achieving goals? Who cares about money?" But this is a necessary spoke in a company's wheel, so that the rats and hamsters will continue to outrun each other. So sad and for as long as I am part of the system, hopeless. 

I am thinking of a profound metaphor for life to write here. But I cannot say that life is as insurmountable as climbing Mt. Everest or as drudgerous as the hamster wheel, because there are other ways of living and perceiving life. Maybe someday I will have an epiphany, turnaround and go downhill or step off the running belt, and finally escape this trap. Or I can continue looking at the bright side of things.

Break free

I should get out more. I know pandemic is still not over, but the more I stay at home, the more I wallow. The more I stay up at night (by night, I mean my bedtime), the more I reminisce. The more I stay idle, the more I am haunted by past memories. It becomes paralyzing sometimes. It feels like I am being sucked under water by a rip current and no one is coming to my rescue.

I should pursue new passions or revisit old ones. At least, the ones which I have kept to myself. Like how I enjoyed swimming and doing laps or how I always secretly wanted to play squash. Nobody knows that I play word search everyday or how I wanted to publish an e-book on fables for children. I should go wine tasting again or start a podcast about self-doubt. The possibilities are endless. 

I just need to stop thinking about you cold turkey and start believing in myself again.

Health Sitch - Update #1

Three months ago, I faced one of my personal demons and joined my HMO's Best Life Wellness Program. I wanted someone to unequivocally tell me the thing that have become obvious during the pandemic -- that I have let myself go and that I have hastened dying. The lab work was swift, but the preliminary diagnosis was not precise. I was referred to specialists and was not given any prescriptions by the GP. She gave me typical health advice: low-calorie diet and active lifestyle.

It has been three months. I did follow the doctor's advice. I can already see and feel the difference. It is clear that I would have to do these changes not for any immediate health goals, but for the rest of my life. No biggie. I think the changes are reasonable and beneficial, so I do not need any convincing. It would have been nice if I have someone to do this with, someone I can be accountable to, but it really is a personal journey. Everyday I have to decide that I will stick to the plan even if I do not see any progress. I have to choose health over instant gratification. And if I slip up, I have to be kind to myself and own my actions, so as not to waste any time beating myself up and overthinking where I went wrong.

This is not priming. This is living. This is loving myself. This is honoring The One who gave me this life. This is showing the other 1.2 billion that I am the fittest in the lot and I deserve to be here. 

Onboarding

Yesterday was a day of welcoming and reuniting. Although I consider myself an introvert in a crowd, I behave like an extrovert in a closed group. I do not know how to standout, but I like to participate. I want people to feel welcome and not feel as awkward as I am. I receive newness and homecoming with a warm group hug. 

When I learned Iza had relocated and taken a new job here in Manila, I made last-minute dinner plans with her and Vince. Everyone made sacrifices for this gathering to happen. Iza, who now works in QC, went all the way to BGC on a rainy day and during Monday rush hour traffic. I, who have work at 9pm, had to squeeze in the meal before going to the office, disregarding my IF and WFH schedule. Vince, gracious as ever, offered to drive Iza back to QC even though he lives in BGC. OK, maybe mine was not really a sacrifice, but more of an inconvenience. I love my SyCip batch. We stayed in touch over the years, occasionally meeting up when Iza comes over for short vacations. We understand each other's professional challenges and celebrate each other's personal milestones. I am glad we are all in Manila now. 

At the office, I welcomed the newest member of our Legal team. I am pleased that our team is growing and happy that I get to tell every new member that I am the first legal resource. I like showing them the ropes and I bask in pride when they thrive in their roles. Every time someone onboards, I silently hope that the new hire will be a good fit and will stay for the long haul. Good employees are hard to come by these days. Good colleagues are even harder to gain in a hybrid workplace. That is why I put in the effort and reach out, hoping that they will see that working with me and in the company is worth their while.

Walking toward and away

When the doctor advised that I had to do some form of exercise, I could not think of anything else but walking. Low impact, inexpensive, individual sport. Before the pandemic, I enjoyed walking around my neighborhood and even walking to the nearby malls. It did not bother me that the pavements are uneven or that parked cars encroach on the sidewalk or that Segways and stand-up scooters weave in and out of my path. Now that places are opening up again, I might as well revert to this old habit.

I love walking. It is my time to be with my thoughts. When I walk I can observe people as they move without a care. When I walk I become aware that time does not stand still because nothing stands still. Not even the buildings, whose shadows move along with the sun path. Not even the trees, whose foliage barely shade people from the elements. When I walk I can only focus on the next stride, the next breath, the next muscle twitch. It is useless to think of distance, of heart rates, or of muscle pain... those are too far ahead. Walking is meditative as it is thoughtless.

No one cares that I am walking. People just want to reach their destinations. People are busy looking at their phones. People are more engrossed with their own affairs. People may stare and judge, but they do not care. People will not stop for me and I am not expected to stop for them. There lies the semblance of walking to the reality of life.

Weekends are my favorite days again

Ever since I started working night shift, I would choose sleep over breakfast. I would even select the 'breakfast not included' option when booking hotels. I would schedule my fasting window to coincide with breakfast, not so I could avoid carbs and silogs, but because by morning I would already be too exhausted to even think about what to eat. But today was different. I did not skip breakfast.

My bestfriends from Davao were in town. I will always have time for friends. So when they said they would love to meet for breakfast/brunch, I could only be at their beck and call. Today was even more remarkable, as I got to meet May's high school friends, who she has spoken fondly of through the years. One of them is Ramon Bautista's sister and you know how much I adore Ramon Bautista. Kuya Gutz picked up his new Hilux from Toyota Manila Bay and we just had to break in the poor thing with a quick drive through EDSA. We made a stop at Megamall, where Yeng bought a smartwatch to replace her inoperable Fitbit. She was disappointed that Samsung's ECG feature is not working in the Philippines. Offering a bright side, I told her that gadget's OS or software could be updated eventually and that ECG is just one metric of heart condition. In fact, today my heart is happiest and no gadget needs to tell me that. Though we only hung out briefly, the time spent was definitely another core memory. 

While in Megamall, I picked up a couple of items at Art Bar. After learning oil painting the past weeks, I decided to pursue it as a hobby. I think it will help me with improving my flow. I definitely want to be good at it and the only way I know how is through practice. As I get serious with this, I may need a bigger space for my workshop and artworks. I hope I can find a reasonable rental studio or gallery when the time comes.

Later this evening, I had a Zoom call with another friend. It has been a while (like years!) since I last spoke to Vicky. What was supposed to be an hour video chat turned into seven hours of catching up. Though our lives have changed, our friendship has not. 

As much as I love my work and take pride in what I do professionally, I also love the other side of me. The one that is creative and adventurous. The one that is warm and passionate. The one who joyrides along chaotic, buwis-buhay EDSA. The one who randomly hands out pomelos to a saleslady or the condo guard. The one who listens without judgment or giving advice. Weekdays bring out the best in me, but weekends complete the gamut of my personality.

"There's always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty, but I like that. With all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same about yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you any good at that?" - Tiffany, The Silver Linings Playbook

Creature of Habit

Now that I have freed up my days of any mindless scrolling, reading, commenting, reacting, and consuming internet content, I finally have so much time on my hands. I am not new to this. I used to arrange my activities like Tetris blocks in my calendar when I was in law school and in SyCip. That discipline served me well. I realized then that 24 hours is more than enough for work and play. I engrained productive routines and was mentally prepared for any contingencies. I was invincible.

Where did that attitude go? My life went on a downward-spiral since I left Davao City. I was constantly out of my element and became a completely different person. Except to very few friends, I hid from my social circles -- running communities, mountaineers, professional orgs, frat/soro. I became invisible. I chased superficial things and temporary highs. I sought instant gratification and blurred my tunnel vision. I lost my way.

Jenith said, "Sa atong lifetime naa gyud chance na mamali ta. Ang importante aware ta sa atong mali." She is always the wise one. How can I not believe in myself if good people like her believe in me? 

So I am dusting myself off and rewiring my internal circuit board. I do not know how long it will take for me to relearn my old routines and reorient my moral compass. That is not important because I am not giving myself a deadline. Progress and consistency are my benchmarks. I just cannot stay where I am.

Now Playing: One Step At A Time by Jordin Sparks

Dumb Phone

I decided to take a break from using my smartphone. I watched Cold Fusion's video on The Anti-Smartphone Revolution a month back and thought ditching the smartphone is a good way of avoiding the stress and anxiety caused by social media, entertainment, messaging, and dating apps. I need a technology detox badly. Obviously, I cannot avoid work-related platforms and quit internet altogether. But if using a more primitive gadget like a dumb phone can provide calmness and force me to be mindful of how I spend snippets of my personal time, I think it is worth a try. 

I remember I still have a couple of burner phones from when my parents visited in 2019. The phone is only good for texting and calling. It does not have a web browser. The camera hardly captures an image. The messages do not even show any emojis or allow any reactions. Using this phone 2/3 of the day will surely calm my restless brain and curb my voracious appetite for information. I texted everyone in my contact list to inform them of my new number and the fact that I am using a dumb phone. Within minutes, a handful of friends (my closest ones, no surprise) asked how I am doing and if everything is alright. Without elaborating too much, I told them that things are not great, but I am trying my best. 

I do not know how long I will or can do this. I have become so dependent on my smartphone, especially when seeking directions, booking transportation, buying food, searching for images and trivial information, and capturing mundane life moments. It made me appear busy and important. But it bothers me how it had taken over my life and monopolized my attention. I guess I am at the crossroads where I have to choose which should be the dumb one, the phone or me.

Fresh Restart

It's fascinating how years of existence did not change me one bit. It is as if I did not learn anything from my countless failures and reading of self-help books. It is as if my default is to self-sabotage. It is as if my fate is to be in a constant loop of shame and humiliation. It was definitely not my goal to put myself where people would question my sanity, credibility, and emotional condition, but I somehow always end up in that situation. I know that sounds cryptic and worrisome, but that's the most that I can share for now. Perhaps someday I will be brave enough to confront my demons, make sense of my past actions, and be able to openly talk about my version of events. For now, I am determined to be mindful of my daily thoughts and actions, so that the likelihood of lapses in judgment will be slim and regret will be few.

I am hitting 'refresh' on this blog to remind myself that life is still bright and beautiful. I want to document my follies and, if by any luck I make it to the end of this so-called life, redemption. I want to ruminate on my life on a daily basis and nip my mistakes in the bud. I want to practice stoicism to the point that it becomes second nature. I want to be conscientious and upstanding everyday. 

I will not filter my thoughts here. Although I know it will be difficult, I will try to put into words what I feel and to find meaning and purpose for such feelings. I will try not to think or discuss so much about the future, as that can only make me anxious. I will focus on the here and now, because in the grand scheme of things, that is all we ever have.