it has not sunk in

just had my first yogo tonight with my bespren jenith. we were just trying to unwind after a very hectic week. i came from my 2nd labrel exam and i was bothered that i find it easy. usually if the exam seemed easy, i fail. hehehe she, on the other hand, just finished evaluating all the appeals of engineering students who are either "forced to shift," "on final university probation," or "dismissed from the university." knowing her work made me say i'm in a better situation. at least i am not burdened with the decision of shattering ambitions or changing a student's future. for two years as EA division head, jenith has no other wish but to finally relinquish her position. but as i always tell her, somebody's gotta do it.... for now, unfortunately, it's her.

we talked about our students who we have come to know on a personal level and how hard it is to see them leave their programs/courses because of strict university policies. we also talked about the anomalies during enrolment like rumors of some registration person getting bribed by students to fast-track their encoding. we also talked about inefficient program coordinators and lazy professors. all stories seemed to sound so negative, but for us it's our release, our own reality check of the system that we are a part of... actually, we just love chismis. hehehe

during our kwentuhan, i told her that i have mixed feelings about graduating law school this april. so far, i passed all the exams that were returned to us (thank God!). but the rest are the more crucial ones and i don't think i did well in them. jenith cut me and said that it didn't occur to her that i might not be around anymore come summer. she said that it's always convenient to think that i'll still be teaching next year since most of the time i would tell her i'm not sure if i'm going to graduate. now that she knows i am passing the exams i crammed, it's no longer a remote possibility that i will graduate. and probably in desperation, she wants me to assure her that after taking the bar, i will be back.... but i can't. i stopped planning my life long time ago. it's always been crossing the bridge when i'm already there. it's easier this way. less expectations, less disappointments.

it has not sunk in yet to most people, including jenith and myself, that this comfortable uncomfortable life that i am living right now might be over or could change in a few months. seven years of teaching is hard to replace.

the uncomfortable truth

the uncomfortable truth is that you learn to eat your words sometimes. you say things to overpower the rebel in you. making the universe know your conviction, but not really hiding the obvious. unfortunately, words are not as powerful as thoughts. when it's in your mind, it's in your heart. and what's in your heart is always the truth. and so you eat your words piecemeal until you can finally be honest with yourself.

the uncomfortable truth is that there are people who rock your world, who make you take that leap of faith, who drive you crazy for what it's worth. and they just don't give a damn that they do those things to you. they don't have a clue. what's worse, they don't bother looking for clues. they go on with their lives like you are just some speck of dust that rested on their eyelashes... close, but not close enough to blind them.

the uncomfortable truth is that you like the people who you vow not to like, only because you spend so much time thinking how not to like them. you get to know them better that you finally stop thinking about the trees and see them for the forest that they truly are. you want to deny yourself of this new-found affinity, but you're already so deep in the rabbit hole that you finally gave in.

the uncomfortable truth is that you try to create your own possibility, but you always end up with just that - a futile attempt to feign possibility. you hope for a chance. you reach for the stars... until you finally realize that chances are slim, the future is bleak, and the stars are asymptotic. epic failure for an epic battle.

and the most uncomfortable truth of all is that you don't mind doing everything all over again.