Sa Dulo

(for my own self-preservation)

Sa pagkakataon at pakakamali
Sa mga taong hinintay at bawat sandali
Sa mundong tila tuso at hindi patas
Sa kaligayahang dumaan at pinalipas
Sa labis na pagkabalisa't pagmumuni-muni
Sa paggising sa umaga at pagtulog sa gabi
Sa mga kwentong walang kwenta
Sa mga payong tila binale-wala
Sa mababaw na pagtingin at pagturing sa iba
Sa wagas na pag-ibig na nadarama
Sa buhay na dati handang ilaan
Sa isang desisyong tiyak pagsisisihan
Sa iilan pang darating
Sa susunod
Sa iyo.

honesty

this is one of the things i value the most in life. my friendships are predicated on such. and so if i can avoid lying, i will. besides, i'm never good at it. what i say is really what i mean. so the minimum requirement for you to get an honest answer from me is to ask the right question. how convenient, isn't it?

but honesty begets honesty. so if you're full of pretense, you'll only probably gain my disappointment. and if you'd rather go around in circles than give me the brutal truth, i'll be more pissed off than thankful. no amount of good faith offsets a person who's consistently inconsistent. and no amount of doubt can be attributed to such either. the cut is clear. crystal clear.

honesty also simplifies things. when people say one thing and mean another, that is the start and the crux of life's complexity. wouldn't it be easier if people just express what they feel and for the receiving end to respect and understand what was expressed? objectively, it's easier... easier said than done.

if honesty becomes a habit, it earns a person's trust. trust has a time factor, and thus can only be realized when experiences are put together. a person who earns my trust is hard to impeach. as hard as he had worked for it. i can never give too much due process or be less biased to persons i trust. so persons who enjoy this position must also make sure that they keep the honesty coming.

what made me smile yesterday

i like getting mails in my house mailbox. i still like the old-fashioned snail-mail... especially if the card looks like this. o di ba? albert in a greeting card - what a brilliant beyond brilliant idea!!! at parang ginawa talaga ang card para mapa-smile ako.

so you wanna know what's the next phrase?

"it is relative..." - what a perfect beyond perfect theory!

Note: this birthday card was sent by my younger sister apple.

study habits

unfortunately, mine is not as solid as the others. i study whenever i can or even in those very few times that i can, i only study when i want to. i'm not as driven as i was 4 or 3 years ago. i have this fear that maybe law will just be like architecture - when i finished it, it felt like it's not something i want to do for the rest of my life.

last week, after my persons exam (which i totally blew), i was almost teary-eyed going to the office. sir basa was still around. i told him i'm so sad because the exam was very easy for others, but i had a hard time because i did not study hard enough for it. consolingly, he said that that's life and he just read me some chinese proverbs to cheer me up. if there's anyone in the office who totally supports me in my studies, that would be sir basa. i know he's counting the days (with much sadness i suppose) when i will finally pack my things and leave my cube for the bar review.

yesterday, he played his usual classical CDs while he was thinking of a design solution for San Pedro Hospital's renovation. he said if i'm going to study (or do anything that entails brain activity), i should study with vivaldi, chopin, rachmaninoff, and mozart on the background. he said it will stimulate the brain, sharpen the memory, and hasten recall. i did and i even found myself spending the sunday at the office to study again.

i also moved to another 24-hour fastfood venue to have my late night study sessions. mcdo bajada has ceased to be a neutral zone. i imagine a lot of things when i'm there. and if i get too unlucky, my imaginings are sometimes brought to life. scary and utterly disturbing.

my study habit is not about memorizing stuff or rewriting everything or organizing post-its or highlighting precious pages. it's about the timing and the ambience. it's about the absence of disturbance and the presence of encouraging people.

texting

One of my simple joys is receiving text messages. I think this form of communication is very powerful. Nowadays, people are lucky to have such a practical tool. Where words cannot be expressed fluently out loud, where physical presence cannot be had for logistic or safety reasons, where conveying one’s feelings of care or disgust has ceased to be personal, a text message is always an alternative.

I have gotten myself in trouble through text too many times in the past. I have learned the very obvious limitation of this is the absence of evaluation of the circumstances when the message was supposedly composed. One could only guess if the person sending it was happy or furious or gloomy or thrilled. Not everyone is a mind reader and not everyone is good with charades. It’s even more depressing that texting reduced a greeting to a 3-letter word – HBD! Or that this technology became an excuse for others to be late – IL B L8. Or a cover for an otherwise annoying incompetence to spell – IM PUR N SPELNG☺.

Even so, I am not unhappy about texting; I am more disappointed with the people misusing it. Convenience has its price indeed. It cultivates a society of jejemons who lack foresight, diligence, verbal and written competence, and personality (because in texting, you can be whoever you want to be).

I still like to receive text messages… but only from people I personally know; from people who do not abbreviate words to unauthorized lingual expressions (spend for the sake of language, people!); from people who are considerate enough to keep their appointments (though sometimes I'm guilty of this... hehehe); and from people who are man enough to own their words.

time and waiting

i am always fascinated with the concept of time. a lot of things have been said about it. they said it can tell (or give explanations). they said it heals all wounds. they said it's gold. but because it is constant and cannot be manipulated (although physics claims it can be stretched or folded), people are slaves to it. our lives are dictated by it. we worry about what time to do what thing. we let it pass and regret afterwards. we seize it, then feel tired later. we refer to our memories in chronological order. a birth in nine months. a birthday in a year. a death in a lifetime.

time is further emphasized to me lately as i once again ponder about waiting. i am in a series of waiting rooms. a breakout from one would mean an entrapment in another. my fear is that if i get too comfortable in one waiting room, i may not want to wait anymore. i might stay, maintain status quo, and forget about destiny.

time pushes me to be hopeful (to be positive) that the next waiting room will be a lot better. it will promise more comfort and can be a lot more inviting. but time, speaking through our experiences, is also the best teacher. it had warned me that lack of movement could eventually lead to discomfort and illusions. it had taught me that the waiting room is not the true limitation, but myself... that if i decide to stay, time will not wait for me.