Mundane life

I have nothing to share today. My life is pretty basic these days. I am not saying it is not interesting. Just unremarkable. Sure, I may stumble upon great finds here and there. I definitely feel grateful for staying on top of things. I am happy to be alive at the very least. But will today standout when I look back five years from now? I am positive the answer is no.

"The way you live your days is the way you live your life." I am not sure who said it (internet attributes it to different persons), but it sounds pretty scary to me. I live my days like a monk or a prisoner. Quite ironic since I can roam and think freely. Also, there are so many ways to connect with other people and to acquire knowledge and ideas in this day and age, it is quite impossible to feel isolated. I know I want consistency and some level of certainty in my daily life. But do the things I do everyday make a life worth living? I am not sure. I have not thought about it. I hope life will take care of itself.

For someone who has nothing to share, I just said a mouthful.

Words of the wise

I recently met up with my former manager. She was, by far, the best one I had. Supportive, compassionate, competent, and genuine. We did have our conflicts, but she did not take them personally, which is one of the many things she taught me. Never hold a grudge against others or yourself. No one is perfect, so always choose to be kind.

In many ways, I consider her my life and career coach. She does not impose her views on me, but she provides valuable insights. After she left the company last July, I learned that she has been enjoying every bit of her well-deserved break. She learned how to make good coffee (barista style!) and is currently learning Spanish. She has been meeting old colleagues and traveling with her husband. I am pretty sure her mini-retirement is not all roses and sunshine, but I know her to be an optimistic and undaunted person. Again, everything is just a matter of perspective -- happiness and suffering included.

I told her about my dissatisfaction with my merit increase. I do not really care a lot about money, but I fiercely care about justice. So when I see inequity I cannot be expected to remain silent. But I do recognize that I am not particularly good with office politics, so I reached out to her for advice. She never disappoints. Her advice was simple and direct, one that I could have easily dismissed. She said to give benefit of the doubt and to have that difficult conversation. There is no way around it.

Great! I'm trapped

I have been busy or what others call "distracted." The new routines require so much effort. That is normal and expected. However, I already have prior commitments and it is such a challenge to work around well established activities. I cannot just shift my pace and mentality in a snap. My brain does not function like a light switch. I need to build momentum and wind down at each junction. But I carry on. I do not want to fail, because I am terrible at forgiving myself. There are days when I just want to throw in the towel, literally and figuratively. There are days when things slip through the cracks gradually, and then suddenly. A never-ending cycle of disappointment and picking myself up. But that and my firm resolve that I want a better life are constant and certain. Also, there's taxes and death.

So work has been swell. Yes, swell. Not a typo error. I really hate performance and rewards season. I am not comfortable talking about my achievements and defending why I deserve a raise. It is my least favorite aspect of corporate life. Sometimes I would reflect and say, "Who cares about promotion? Who cares about achieving goals? Who cares about money?" But this is a necessary spoke in a company's wheel, so that the rats and hamsters will continue to outrun each other. So sad and for as long as I am part of the system, hopeless. 

I am thinking of a profound metaphor for life to write here. But I cannot say that life is as insurmountable as climbing Mt. Everest or as drudgerous as the hamster wheel, because there are other ways of living and perceiving life. Maybe someday I will have an epiphany, turnaround and go downhill or step off the running belt, and finally escape this trap. Or I can continue looking at the bright side of things.

Break free

I should get out more. I know pandemic is still not over, but the more I stay at home, the more I wallow. The more I stay up at night (by night, I mean my bedtime), the more I reminisce. The more I stay idle, the more I am haunted by past memories. It becomes paralyzing sometimes. It feels like I am being sucked under water by a rip current and no one is coming to my rescue.

I should pursue new passions or revisit old ones. At least, the ones which I have kept to myself. Like how I enjoyed swimming and doing laps or how I always secretly wanted to play squash. Nobody knows that I play word search everyday or how I wanted to publish an e-book on fables for children. I should go wine tasting again or start a podcast about self-doubt. The possibilities are endless. 

I just need to stop thinking about you cold turkey and start believing in myself again.

Health Sitch - Update #1

Three months ago, I faced one of my personal demons and joined my HMO's Best Life Wellness Program. I wanted someone to unequivocally tell me the thing that have become obvious during the pandemic -- that I have let myself go and that I have hastened dying. The lab work was swift, but the preliminary diagnosis was not precise. I was referred to specialists and was not given any prescriptions by the GP. She gave me typical health advice: low-calorie diet and active lifestyle.

It has been three months. I did follow the doctor's advice. I can already see and feel the difference. It is clear that I would have to do these changes not for any immediate health goals, but for the rest of my life. No biggie. I think the changes are reasonable and beneficial, so I do not need any convincing. It would have been nice if I have someone to do this with, someone I can be accountable to, but it really is a personal journey. Everyday I have to decide that I will stick to the plan even if I do not see any progress. I have to choose health over instant gratification. And if I slip up, I have to be kind to myself and own my actions, so as not to waste any time beating myself up and overthinking where I went wrong.

This is not priming. This is living. This is loving myself. This is honoring The One who gave me this life. This is showing the other 1.2 billion that I am the fittest in the lot and I deserve to be here. 

Onboarding

Yesterday was a day of welcoming and reuniting. Although I consider myself an introvert in a crowd, I behave like an extrovert in a closed group. I do not know how to standout, but I like to participate. I want people to feel welcome and not feel as awkward as I am. I receive newness and homecoming with a warm group hug. 

When I learned Iza had relocated and taken a new job here in Manila, I made last-minute dinner plans with her and Vince. Everyone made sacrifices for this gathering to happen. Iza, who now works in QC, went all the way to BGC on a rainy day and during Monday rush hour traffic. I, who have work at 9pm, had to squeeze in the meal before going to the office, disregarding my IF and WFH schedule. Vince, gracious as ever, offered to drive Iza back to QC even though he lives in BGC. OK, maybe mine was not really a sacrifice, but more of an inconvenience. I love my SyCip batch. We stayed in touch over the years, occasionally meeting up when Iza comes over for short vacations. We understand each other's professional challenges and celebrate each other's personal milestones. I am glad we are all in Manila now. 

At the office, I welcomed the newest member of our Legal team. I am pleased that our team is growing and happy that I get to tell every new member that I am the first legal resource. I like showing them the ropes and I bask in pride when they thrive in their roles. Every time someone onboards, I silently hope that the new hire will be a good fit and will stay for the long haul. Good employees are hard to come by these days. Good colleagues are even harder to gain in a hybrid workplace. That is why I put in the effort and reach out, hoping that they will see that working with me and in the company is worth their while.

Walking toward and away

When the doctor advised that I had to do some form of exercise, I could not think of anything else but walking. Low impact, inexpensive, individual sport. Before the pandemic, I enjoyed walking around my neighborhood and even walking to the nearby malls. It did not bother me that the pavements are uneven or that parked cars encroach on the sidewalk or that Segways and stand-up scooters weave in and out of my path. Now that places are opening up again, I might as well revert to this old habit.

I love walking. It is my time to be with my thoughts. When I walk I can observe people as they move without a care. When I walk I become aware that time does not stand still because nothing stands still. Not even the buildings, whose shadows move along with the sun path. Not even the trees, whose foliage barely shade people from the elements. When I walk I can only focus on the next stride, the next breath, the next muscle twitch. It is useless to think of distance, of heart rates, or of muscle pain... those are too far ahead. Walking is meditative as it is thoughtless.

No one cares that I am walking. People just want to reach their destinations. People are busy looking at their phones. People are more engrossed with their own affairs. People may stare and judge, but they do not care. People will not stop for me and I am not expected to stop for them. There lies the semblance of walking to the reality of life.

Weekends are my favorite days again

Ever since I started working night shift, I would choose sleep over breakfast. I would even select the 'breakfast not included' option when booking hotels. I would schedule my fasting window to coincide with breakfast, not so I could avoid carbs and silogs, but because by morning I would already be too exhausted to even think about what to eat. But today was different. I did not skip breakfast.

My bestfriends from Davao were in town. I will always have time for friends. So when they said they would love to meet for breakfast/brunch, I could only be at their beck and call. Today was even more remarkable, as I got to meet May's high school friends, who she has spoken fondly of through the years. One of them is Ramon Bautista's sister and you know how much I adore Ramon Bautista. Kuya Gutz picked up his new Hilux from Toyota Manila Bay and we just had to break in the poor thing with a quick drive through EDSA. We made a stop at Megamall, where Yeng bought a smartwatch to replace her inoperable Fitbit. She was disappointed that Samsung's ECG feature is not working in the Philippines. Offering a bright side, I told her that gadget's OS or software could be updated eventually and that ECG is just one metric of heart condition. In fact, today my heart is happiest and no gadget needs to tell me that. Though we only hung out briefly, the time spent was definitely another core memory. 

While in Megamall, I picked up a couple of items at Art Bar. After learning oil painting the past weeks, I decided to pursue it as a hobby. I think it will help me with improving my flow. I definitely want to be good at it and the only way I know how is through practice. As I get serious with this, I may need a bigger space for my workshop and artworks. I hope I can find a reasonable rental studio or gallery when the time comes.

Later this evening, I had a Zoom call with another friend. It has been a while (like years!) since I last spoke to Vicky. What was supposed to be an hour video chat turned into seven hours of catching up. Though our lives have changed, our friendship has not. 

As much as I love my work and take pride in what I do professionally, I also love the other side of me. The one that is creative and adventurous. The one that is warm and passionate. The one who joyrides along chaotic, buwis-buhay EDSA. The one who randomly hands out pomelos to a saleslady or the condo guard. The one who listens without judgment or giving advice. Weekdays bring out the best in me, but weekends complete the gamut of my personality.

"There's always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty, but I like that. With all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same about yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you any good at that?" - Tiffany, The Silver Linings Playbook

Creature of Habit

Now that I have freed up my days of any mindless scrolling, reading, commenting, reacting, and consuming internet content, I finally have so much time on my hands. I am not new to this. I used to arrange my activities like Tetris blocks in my calendar when I was in law school and in SyCip. That discipline served me well. I realized then that 24 hours is more than enough for work and play. I engrained productive routines and was mentally prepared for any contingencies. I was invincible.

Where did that attitude go? My life went on a downward-spiral since I left Davao City. I was constantly out of my element and became a completely different person. Except to very few friends, I hid from my social circles -- running communities, mountaineers, professional orgs, frat/soro. I became invisible. I chased superficial things and temporary highs. I sought instant gratification and blurred my tunnel vision. I lost my way.

Jenith said, "Sa atong lifetime naa gyud chance na mamali ta. Ang importante aware ta sa atong mali." She is always the wise one. How can I not believe in myself if good people like her believe in me? 

So I am dusting myself off and rewiring my internal circuit board. I do not know how long it will take for me to relearn my old routines and reorient my moral compass. That is not important because I am not giving myself a deadline. Progress and consistency are my benchmarks. I just cannot stay where I am.

Now Playing: One Step At A Time by Jordin Sparks

Dumb Phone

I decided to take a break from using my smartphone. I watched Cold Fusion's video on The Anti-Smartphone Revolution a month back and thought ditching the smartphone is a good way of avoiding the stress and anxiety caused by social media, entertainment, messaging, and dating apps. I need a technology detox badly. Obviously, I cannot avoid work-related platforms and quit internet altogether. But if using a more primitive gadget like a dumb phone can provide calmness and force me to be mindful of how I spend snippets of my personal time, I think it is worth a try. 

I remember I still have a couple of burner phones from when my parents visited in 2019. The phone is only good for texting and calling. It does not have a web browser. The camera hardly captures an image. The messages do not even show any emojis or allow any reactions. Using this phone 2/3 of the day will surely calm my restless brain and curb my voracious appetite for information. I texted everyone in my contact list to inform them of my new number and the fact that I am using a dumb phone. Within minutes, a handful of friends (my closest ones, no surprise) asked how I am doing and if everything is alright. Without elaborating too much, I told them that things are not great, but I am trying my best. 

I do not know how long I will or can do this. I have become so dependent on my smartphone, especially when seeking directions, booking transportation, buying food, searching for images and trivial information, and capturing mundane life moments. It made me appear busy and important. But it bothers me how it had taken over my life and monopolized my attention. I guess I am at the crossroads where I have to choose which should be the dumb one, the phone or me.

Fresh Restart

It's fascinating how years of existence did not change me one bit. It is as if I did not learn anything from my countless failures and reading of self-help books. It is as if my default is to self-sabotage. It is as if my fate is to be in a constant loop of shame and humiliation. It was definitely not my goal to put myself where people would question my sanity, credibility, and emotional condition, but I somehow always end up in that situation. I know that sounds cryptic and worrisome, but that's the most that I can share for now. Perhaps someday I will be brave enough to confront my demons, make sense of my past actions, and be able to openly talk about my version of events. For now, I am determined to be mindful of my daily thoughts and actions, so that the likelihood of lapses in judgment will be slim and regret will be few.

I am hitting 'refresh' on this blog to remind myself that life is still bright and beautiful. I want to document my follies and, if by any luck I make it to the end of this so-called life, redemption. I want to ruminate on my life on a daily basis and nip my mistakes in the bud. I want to practice stoicism to the point that it becomes second nature. I want to be conscientious and upstanding everyday. 

I will not filter my thoughts here. Although I know it will be difficult, I will try to put into words what I feel and to find meaning and purpose for such feelings. I will try not to think or discuss so much about the future, as that can only make me anxious. I will focus on the here and now, because in the grand scheme of things, that is all we ever have.