First Move

I must say I have learned from the past that making the first move is not the best move. In fact, it is not the right move in many instances. It results to a lot of sordid consequences in the end. Better keep your mouth shut. And limit your non-verbal advances to a minimum.

I personally don't mind making the first move. I mean, if the feeling is so overwhelming... dili na jud matabang, why not? But as a matter of policy, I only do it if (a) the guy is dying or going away for a long time or for good, (b) the consequences will only humiliate me for a very brief period, or (c) I really really really like the guy. If any of those enumerated concurs with the fact that I am totally comfortable with the guy, then the first move happens. When I say "comfortable" I mean that the guy is a close friend or a known "crush ng bayan."

Rationale: Kase di ba pag crush ng bayan, ordinary na lang sa kanya na sabihan sya ng mga stuff na ganun. Hindi na sya naaapektuhan. Unlike yung mga typical gwaping lang sa tabi-tabi, nafa-flatter pa sa mga ganung pangyayari, tapos pinapatulan kaagad, thinking there are no more fishers left in the ocean to fish them. Tapos pag close friend naman, the friendship overpowers whatever "ilangan" the first move may create. And ideally, hindi rin dapat naaapektuhan ang close friend.

So, why am I blogging this? Wala lang. For awareness or information campaign... hahaha. Because I see a lot of people these days, guys and girls alike, who do not know the "art of first move." The conservative thinks it's a degradation of moral values. The liberated makes it a habit. In my honest opinion, it is the most crucial step towards fulfilling happiness. Whether you're contented just to have expressed your feelings or it is indeed your first step in a possible romantic quest, let your basis be the circumstances that surround the conduct. Don't be too hasty. For the receiving end, don't be impatient. It takes time and timing. It takes courage and humility. For girls, it takes undeniable attraction and a pachydermatous face to finally come up to a guy and level the playing field.

Cutting Through My Gut

This is the part where I tell myself to focus, to pretend I have not read or heard or seen anything, to be patient, and to introspectively convince myself that I am fine.

The world is round. The one holding the scales is blind. Prayers are answered in different ways. Restrain the inner evil genius, Elaine, because karma is too quick to retaliate. And I know everything comes back a hundred-fold. Now tell me, where will I be more scared of?

Maybe it's also my fault that people are being who they are. That is because I let them be. But the bottomline is I hate their guts. I hate the way they feel they are important, invincible, high and mighty. And maybe they are, but isn't it too much to be letting people know they are of the superior kind? So utterly insensitive, don't you think?

Superiority is subjective. It is relative. It is time dependent. Standards are changed every so often. Everyone has a downfall, an Achilles' heel. So the most logical conclusion I can derive from other people's actions is either The Almighty One is a partial Being or people are just brilliant liars.

Exaggerating, fibbing, deceiving... it's an art. Some people are just so god-damn good at it.

But I will not trade my wrinkles for another person's bliss. And so my ranting ends here, in this blog. Zip it.

Words of Wisdom

In my circle of guy friends, I am the oldest. But sometimes I feel they are more mature. I get unsolicited pieces of advice from them everytime I get stupid about something or someone. Ahihihi. Here are some of their "words to live by"...

VINCENT: At the onset, everybody should enjoy the presumption of bad faith. You don't meet a person and expect that he/she will be nice to you. Unahan mo na ng bad faith, para at least when when they turn out to be good, eh di ok. If not, you won't feel bad because you know from the start that they are bad.

FRED: You tell yourself, "That's it. Wala na." After that, you move on. You don't go back to the same feeling; otherwise, that moment when you said "that's it" becomes moot and academic.

KIM: You should not like someone because he's the complete opposite of that person who broke your heart. Loving by comparison is unfair and cheap. That's why you have standards. You should not compromise it.

NATHAN: It's not about being paranoid. I just don't like it when I feel something is not right, something is already different, something is not what it used to be and not having to do something about it. Ang mga bagay hindi dapat pinapabayaan hanggang sa mawala na lang.

Pretty cool guys, huh?! Ü

Friends

After talking it out with Amsy, I guess we're okay now. We are picking up where we left off. I learned a thing or two. One thing she taught me in this whole deadmahan thing is to put myself in her shoes. It's not really easy to see things from another person's perspective. It takes a lot of understanding, which I am willing to give. Because despite my countless rantings about friends, I am a person who believes in second, third, and gazillion chances. I don't give up on people easily. And they won't get rid of me that easily as well.

I am lucky to have hard-to-find friends. I have guy friends who are sweet and chivalrous, and who give out hugs and "labyu!" without malice and hesitation. I belong to a barkada whose families I am introduced to, whose stories of girlfriends and lovelives are shared. The kind of company who laughs at my corniest jokes and gags at my mistakes. Friends who give a pat on the back for a job well done and feed genuine comments regardless if they are good or bad. Buddies who are comfortable enough to share even their sex lives (sometimes it gets too comfy it makes me puke!), honest enough to tell me my faults, and willing to share my burden.

I am glad the barkada is back. No more animosity whatsoever.

The Word For Today Is...

Expect.

I didn't know that texting makes a person "expect." In the first place, what is expected? I told a couple of friends that I am texting Gil (remember the "default crush" ng bayan?) about exams and make-up classes schedules. And then all of a sudden they said, "Naku, baka mag-expect." Huh?

Other than probably he expects classmates to be texting him about the same, I can't think of anything else he can expect from a classmate texting. Ikaw ba, pag may nagtext sayo, iisipin mo agad na may crush or nagdadamubs or kung anuman? Ang kapal na lang ng mukha mo nyan kahit ikaw pa pinaka-gwapo sa balat ng lupa. I text Gil because he is afterall Mr. President of Sanchez Roman. I don't text him quotes or my "muni-muni thoughts" or how my day was or what I watched on tv or in the movies. Ergo, I text him out of necessity. I don't text him to get closer or to "get to know him better." But I like the fact that he shows a little of himself everytime he replies. He is consistently cordial and nice. But that's it. I don't put any subliminal meaning to it.

And so I threw back the question to them, "Bakit kayo ba hindi nyo tinetext si Mariness?" I don't remember what they answered back, but I'm sure it didn't make sense.

What they said made me think... So, yung mga panahong tinetext ko sila, nag-eexpect din kaya sila? Yaiks! Scary. How assuming boys can be these days. I really thought guys are verba legis. Hindi pala. They expect. Sheesh.

On A Silver Platter

Only if/when a person deserves something will I give something to him/her without conditions. I believe that when you want something, you should work for it, because effort is the measure of whether you deserve something or not.

I learned this the hard way back in high school. And [re]learned it again in college. And as if I have not learned anything, the real world presses it to me yet again. I have accepted a long time ago that I cannot get everything I want even if I work for it. As my dad would repeatedly say, "Ang kapalaran ni Juan ay hindi kapalaran ni Pedro." Sometimes you are inspired by people, you want to do the things they do. But no matter how hard you try, some things will never be yours. But despite this frame of mind, I still work for it because I believe a man must be who he can be; he must do what he can do.

But there are also things which come to you effortlessly. We all like to call them "blessings." We think that it was handed to us on a silver platter. Some would even say it's destined to happen. Whatever. I look at it this way: Maybe someone just didn't work hard enough; maybe someone worked hard for you to deserve that; maybe the effort you put is enough and you underestimated yourself. Again, effort is the measurement of what we deserve.

27 Feels Like Heaven

Not that old. Not that young either. I have learned much, but I still have much to learn. Because life is never about numbers, but the choices one makes... I guess I deserve a pat on the back and a little "another year well lived."

Thank you friends for remembering. And for others, well, there's always next year.

The Great Barrier Rift

Distance is a good healer. It makes a person forget. But the most effective band-aid solution is preoccupation. It does not only make you forget, it makes you feel invisible. When you're busy, you become oblivious to things around you. You don't mind the absence of things or persons. You become focused on your well-defined priorities. You forget the frills. You simply don't mind.

And then people start to unmind as well. They pass by without noticing you. Your face doesn't make them remember things anymore. You start to become a frill to them. Soon, you cease to exist in their memory. Ergo, they forget about you too.

They say time heals all wounds. So I say: [distance x time x busy life] will give everyone a pretty good memory lapse. I just hope this process is reversible.

Whether or Not

I hate issues. I used to be a very confrontational person, but somehow I mellowed these days. What is happening to me? Am I mutating into that mature person I've always hoped to be? Please, God, tell me this is it...

So I am confronted yet again by another juvenille issue of whether or not I have to share my case digests and other law school materials. I don't really see it as an issue. I have never been selfish when it comes to materials. My philosophy is that those are just materials and a person will never get anything from it by mere possession. That's also why I never liked asking for other people's materials if I know I won't be able to read them or even glance at them.

I started a class case pool last week. I passed around a piece of paper where classmates can write their names if they are interested to make their lives a bit easier by having to share the burden of reading hundreds of cases (literally, our case assignments are now more than a hundred). I also wrote some "terms and conditions" to which people will adhere if they want to benefit from this collective effort. In essence it suggests, "to give is to receive."

It would be unfair to those who will do the "digesting" if others will just get copies of the digests without doing the same. The evil sought to be avoided in this case is free riding. There is no such thing as "I am busier" or "I have more cases to read" because clearly that is precisely the point of this whole activity. For you to read less full-texts, you digest one case. Just one case! What's so hard about that? Besides, we all have responsibilities... responsibilities which we voluntarily took and wittingly knew the consequence thereof.

So on the issue of whether or not I should share the efforts of this case pool, I, the sole arbiter of my conscience, will rule in favor of fairness and equity. Any type of circumvention to my rules, will be dealt with by karma. What goes around comes around.

Of Doubts and Sorries

One thing I hate about friends (especially those whom I have "fraternal ties" with) is them doubting me. Never doubt my sincerity because I'm a lousy faker. Never doubt my word because I'm a bad liar. Never doubt my commitment because once I give it, I'll give it all. Never doubt my abilities because I personally don't settle and I sweat even the small stuff.

I will never give my word and do otherwise. Once I say yes, it's yes all the way. Verba legis, my dear friend. It shouldn't be contrued as, "yes if I can." If I say I'll do it, consider it done. If I know I can't, I would have said "no" or "I'll try." But I said yes, so it means I can and I will. If I weren't able to finish it, I would have given at least substantial results and I would have notified the persons concerned ahead of time. I will never put anybody in a tight situation. If I have issues, I will never drag others to misery.

Another thing I hate is saying "I'm sorry" because it means I did something unacceptable, like faking, lying, breaking commitments, or not doing my best. Kung puro na lang sorry, aanhin mo pa ang parak! But if I faked, lied, and let others down, it was a choice. Therefore, I don't even have to say I'm sorry. Why will I say sorry for something I did on purpose? And all the more, why will I say sorry for something I did not mean to do? Walang sorry-sorry sa mundo.

If I am all that I say I am, then it would really be hard for somebody to be my friend because I expect them to be at least the same and to understand that I am all that. And I don't think that that's too much to ask. I'm not saying that I should be trusted. All I'm asking is for others to believe. One can accept something without putting much confidence to it. That's the difference between truth and conviction.

Why Was It OK with Me?

Because it was done with flair. Because it was casual and felt like it was not a big deal. Because it was sure and assuring. Because it was there before, in those few times that matter. Because it was not made up. Because it was not an excuse, but a reason. Because the words came out right and were said correctly. Because it was prompt and in perfect timing. Because I saw it coming. Because there were no expectations. Because it was the first time in a series of so many times. Because it was a bad day.

Weird

What is weird? I will not give you a definition straight out of a dictionary. Instead, picture this:

... you start to like the things you don't [used to] like. Others call it change. Change is usual and common, but the initial feeling is weird.

... you smile for no reason. Or maybe there is a reason; you just don't know it yet. Or maybe you know, but it has not sunk in yet. Or may be it has sunk in, but you are in denial. Or maybe you are not in denial; you just have a smiling face. Hehehe

... you have a secret, but you feel someone knows it. Weird, paranoid... what's the difference? You are weird when you are paranoid, right?

... you have something on your mind and someone utters it for you. And all you can say is, "Really?" or "Yeah..." So your mind starts to process all the possible ways the other person could've known that something. Yet in the end you have no answer.

... you have no answers to simple questions. They say simple questions are the most difficult to answer. Like "what is love?" or "who am I?" So what could possibly be weird about not having answers to such questions? Nothing. What is weird is having those questions in the first place.

... you are comfortable being uncomfortable. This should not be that weird as man is naturally and constantly in struggle with whatever. What is weird is getting used to it. The word is comfortable not immune.

Back to Normal

I guess all I needed was a ticket to reality. I'm back to my mundane self, the kind of state I want to be in. No hang-ups. No demands. No frustrations. Hakuna Matata (it means no worries for the rest of your days... it's a problem-free philosophy - from Lion King). It feels good to be a floating tomato once more.

Please, Lord, no more glitches.

Everyday Is An Agony

The year is almost over. I still feel the same, but somehow I don't want it anymore. At least not as much as I did a few months back.

Maybe I was just lured by the fact that it is something I cannot have. You know how people are, they covet the one thing they cannot have because of the possibility of something in the future.

Maybe I was just as insecure as everybody else that I don't want to fight for it anymore. It's pointless if it expressly and impliedly tells you that it can never be yours.

Maybe I am just too old for this. I am convinced that all the nice things that happened occurred out of respect.

Maybe I am, in reality and in appearance, inferior.

... And maybe this is not what I thought it was. Maybe something else.

Can Opposites Attract?

If were talking about the laws on magnetism or gravity, which by the way are examples of laws of nature, the answer to that question is yes. But if we are talking about the laws of men (and women, for those who are gender specific), the answer is no. Oppositeness, per se, connotes lack of harmony and to some extent conflict. And we know, as a matter of fact, deviance is punishable (or at least frowned upon) in our society.

But man is a complex being, part a product of nature and part a product of society. We rationalize our instincts and humanize our ethics. We justify our acts. We consider the circumstances surrounding the things that happen to us because unlike laws of nature, our laws are bendable and are only limited by our own understanding or lack thereof. The opposite may not be the opposite after all, but only something unique... something weird.

So my answer to the question is a big yes. But it takes time for the mind to understand.

Silence

"Silence achieves two things: it draws you or turns you away."