I am in a very awkward situation. i think i'm too old for crushes but too busy (and i must admit, too scared) to make my life more complicated. you know what i mean. it's been a long while since the last time i crushed on a live, flesh-and-blood, within-my-grasp guy. of course when i say "within-my-grasp", it doesn't mean he's within my league. i always thought of myself as an inferior kind compared to all of my objects of crushing. and i guess that kind of feeling is normal since a person won't be someone i admire if i don't see him as someone superior than me - smarter, richer, kinder, more attractive, and other positive comparatives.
In my workplace, everyone is either older or younger than me. older are my co-teachers; and way way way younger are my students. there's nobody in between. in law school, it's the same. students there are either freshgrads or married. and i sure hell don't want to play as sugar mommy or mistress at this point in my life. i deserve better, you know.
they say 26 is not the age to enter law school. it's the age when you explore career and lovelife possibilities. i guess they're right in saying that. everyday is a struggle, not only in academics but also in personal happiness. should i just crush on kids 4-5 years younger than me? eeeww, the thought alone makes me puke! how can i stop searching? how can others face each day as if they don't feel they need someone?
i watched the movie Beautiful Boxer. the buddhist monk said that if you feel an urge or you are tempted to do something, you chant somekind of prayer to buddha to take those thoughts away. i wish i could learn that chant.
