to stop when everything is already within reach is not a very lucid decision. whatever happened to being a jack-ass, seizing the day, and what-have-you? when you're getting to know someone a little everyday, doesn't the thought of lifetime excite you? so, why fade?
i remember a philosopher named Epictetus once said, " If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid."
i guess you're just living up to the expectation.
eh sa wala talagang nangyayari sa akin. basta steady lang. tulog, kain, gym paminsan-minsan pag nagi-guilty na sa sobrang kain... o sige na nga, nagche-check din ng mga plates at papers paminsan-minsan pag nagi-guilty na sa sobrang katamaran. yung pag-aaral, given na yan. parang tinanong mo na rin kung humihinga pa ba ako.
sinubukan kong mag-vegan for 6 hours. kaya masyado. bukas subukan kong 8 hours naman. hehehe minsan nade-depress kase hindi ko mamemorize ang mga provisions ng civil code at hindi ako teacher's pet. siguro kase hindi ako cute at sipsip at kasing fashionista ng mga classmates ko.
i discovered madali lang magpatubo ng pimples, pero ang hirap tanggalin ang scars. char! may subliminal meaning ba 'yon? hahaha i also discovered na masarap pala ang lechon ng loring's... ang reason kung bakit 6 hours lang tumagal pagka-vegan ko.
nag-funrun kame ng mga friends ko last week. marco nag-sponsor, shempre pa-impress kase 4 months na rin ako nag-gi-gym. walang panama ang treadmill. pamaol lang gyapon. buti na lang may congee at saging sa finishline. and i ended up as finisher #219 out of 500-something, in fairness to me.
i have to study bus org tonight and tomorrow night and the morning after tomorrow... basta hanggang magsimula ang exam, i will study. that, my friends, is what you call cramming. actually, hindi ko naman talaga naiintindihan masyado ang concepts ng partnership at agency at trust. babawi na lang ako sa bar. btw, pumasa ako sa first exam. remember how i ranted my heart out in this blog after that exam? OA lang pala ako. hehehe
so ano ngayon kung boring life ko? actually, i see it as a challenge. hanggang kailan ko kaya kaya na ganito lang? kaya ko kaya gawing mas boring pa ang buhay ko? may mas boring pa kaya na life kaysa sa akin? ok lang. i mean, who cares?
Malaya used to tell me that the word "broken heart" is literally what it means. it is as if someone grabbed your heart from your chest and crushed it to pieces.
i finally, after years of quiet and selfish solitude, stepped out of my comfort zone to unequivocally ask a guy out. i would have appreciated a clear answer - say, a "yes" or a "no." but i got a "maybe" instead, which is like, in layman's parlance, an "i don't know" or "i'm not sure." and because i'm such a pessimist newbie in this game of mind-reading, i interpreted it as a "maybe" that is more inclined to "no," but it turned out to be a "maybe" which meant "yes-im-going-to-Just-Dance-but-not-because-you-invited-me." it's not only as if he grabbed my heart off my chest. it's as if he dropped a bulldozer and ran it across my chest 1000 times back and forth.
i read from a blog a few years back that "that’s the beauty about this mystery we are all meant to live–the fact that we go through joys and excitement and happiness— always, always, it seems, at the price of having to go through so much pain."
note to self: trust in the process, elaine. it will only make you stronger.
that's the worst question (or greeting) you can ask me. it's like adding insult to injury. of course, i am not ok in so many levels. so stop asking me a known fact. in the same vein, don't ask me if the oblicon exam was ok, because it will never be ok. don't ask me if i have eaten, because i don't look hungry. heck, do i look like a fainting pig to you?! don't ask me if we have a make-up class today or an exam, because i am not your fucking secretary! don't ask me if i have notes, because unlike you, i know my responsibilities as a student. don't ask me if i'm busy, because i work to live. don't ask me if you can sleep over, because i don't like guests. i don't even want to go to your house, so don't expect me to invite you over to mine. don't ask how much i earn, because that is just so rude. tell you what, it is more than what you earn - which is nothing! don't ask me if i need help, because you're more miserable and you can't even help yourself. don't ask me if i'm ok being single. wait til you reach my age; then you'll know the answer.
so you ask kung OK lang ako? fuck off! wrong question.
if i have the choice...
i would come up to him. tell him i like him; that for the longest time and for the strangest of reasons, i think about him all the time; that though the effort would be pointless, and just because i think he deserves to know someone likes him, i would take the risk of a lifetime of avoidance; that though i know it's clearly unrequited, it would be the height of injustice if i remain silenced by my own diffidence; that if he would allow it, i will make him smile everyday.
and then i'll leave.
