The power to decide

When you have nothing to lose, decisions are swift, purposeful, and authentic. There is no need to confer with others or to save face. You can trust your intuition or rely on your basic instincts. No buffering. No further deliberations. No analysis paralysis. 

Of course, your actions still have consequences. After all, you are responsible for your decisions. Choice demands accountability. Since you acted on your own volition, there is no one else to blame for the outcome but yourself. Perhaps this is where the problem lies.

The hesitation comes from the fear of causing your own misery. It is easier to think that you are the victim of external forces than to confront your values and intentions. But when you have nothing to lose, indecision is already suffering. Worse, making decisions based on other people's opinions or on societal pressures is relinquishing freedom, accepting ignorance, and wasting life.

A case for the good enough

Slip-ups are inevitable. They say, "To err is human," but even machines have glitches. If that is reality, then why do people aim for perfection? If mistakes, oversights, and failures are bound to happen, then why do we feel sad, disappointed, and beaten when they happen? We continue to expect for the best outcome. We wish for the ultimate prize. We celebrate every superlative in every category. These social standards fuck us up from the get-go.

When I review contracts, I would strike out any obligation that imposes "best efforts" or "highest standards." I only accept a standard of care, skill, and diligence that is ordinarily exercised by competent professionals, because "best" and "highest" can be vague or subjective. These are standards which may be in excess of what is generally acceptable in the industry and standards which the consultants will probably not be able to meet. In short, best and highest standards are unreasonable. 

I propose that we have the same standard for ourselves. Why don't we settle for good enough? Why don't we aim for something reasonable? Why don't we celebrate the ordinary and the average? They say a person should reach for the moon, so that even if she misses, she will land among the stars. I say a person should aim for the stars, so that satisfaction is actually attainable and there will still be room to grow and improve.

It is what it is

An opinion

We are all entitled to

Free speech

Is it really free?

If circulated

If made public

If inciting a crime

If insulting a person

If slandering a group

Is it still protected?

Professional ethics

Sub judice

Decency

We are restrained and enjoined

We abide and admonish

What if we were wrong?

When is the right time to speak up?

If we only have our version

Does it still matter?

Everybody is a genius

Sometimes I feel like unfollowing or leaving the group. Worst case scenario, blocking it altogether. When people are aware that there is an audience, they change and put up a narrative. One that suits their egos. Today a victim, tomorrow a star. The word "humblebrag" exists for a reason. Toxic positivity is disgusting.

I am sorry if I sound a bit dark and negative today. It's just that I cannot escape the fact that I went to UPD. Twenty years has passed, and people from that part of my life have not changed. We used to have this org logbook at our tambayan, which now has moved online to FB Messenger. It foments the same social animosity as that existed years ago in the hallowed pages of our logbook. People still diss each other. Nagpapataasan pa rin ng ihi. Nagpaplastikan. Nagde-deadma-han. The people who acted superior then still think they are superior today. There is a very thin line between sharing and showing off and an even thinner line between questioning and shaming. You can find all of such behaviors in that GC. Where did the adults go?

I already muted the group so I will not get notifications, but I get tagged every now and then. Although I consciously avoid reading the messages, my Inbox Zero mentality sometimes gets the best of me. I wish I can be as tolerant and unaffected as Alan. That guy does not give a crap. He does not backread or participate in discussions. He has accepted that everyone chatting in that GC is a genius and he is not. Brilliant, isn't it? Goes to show who is the real genius.

Writer's block

It is getting harder and harder to write. Not because I have nothing to write about, but because I feel that the way I write does not fully capture the ideas in my head and the emotions in my heart. I also feel that my routinary life does not provide much interest or appeal. Very few things jump off the page and when they do, there is this inner struggle of whether I should share them here or keep them to myself. If I share them here, am I bragging or airing my dirty laundry in public? Although this blog is practically hidden, by writing on this platform, I am still opening myself up to criticism. Although the objective of blogging is to document my life, just like other online content creators, I still feel the pressure of constantly coming up with new ideas or topics to write about. 

I have a couple of theories though. Maybe I have stopped acquiring the essential skills. Maybe I do not see the value in writing something for no one.

I think I should be reading books more than listening to podcasts or watching videos. If I want to write something worth reading, then I should read something worth writing about. 

I think I should invite people, preferably strangers, to read my blog. If I want to have a sense of ownership/authorship over my posts, then I should be able to stand up for my work and convey it to an audience. 

A case for the nice

It starts with a smile. Of course, since I am still wearing a face mask, my chinita eyes will have to show that. I follow it up with a sincere question of "Kumusta?" (How are you?) and if that does not merit a response, then I tell the person, "It's OK. It will get better." As I resume my pre-pandemic life, I noticed that people have become nicer, more polite, more engaged, and more empathetic. Maybe the feeling of anxiety and isolation during the lockdowns has something to do with it. Maybe the warmth of human connection has touched a yearning heart. Maybe the lonely soul finally has a reason to break free. 

I, myself, have become kinder to others and myself. Less judgment. Less chastising. Less outbursts. Less rage. I mean, what's the point? What's the big deal? So what if we do not get what we want? We are all going to die anyway. Why hasten it by being rude and pugnacious to other people? Have you tried being nice instead? Not only is it more constructive, but it is also more rewarding. But it is better to be nice for its own sake, and not for the reward. When someone is nice, the small, insignificant deed or word has a ripple effect -- the good kind of karma.

The person at the laundry shop told me that I can get my clothes a day early. The check-out staff at Uniqlo gave me a bigger paper bag. The barista at CBTL served my coffee at my table instead of calling my name at the counter to pick it up. The pop-up store gave me a "secret discount." All these because I took the time to ask them how their days are going, to call them by their first names, to say the magic words "thank you," and to throw in the extra "keep the change!"

Nice people may finish last, but they definitely get better outcomes. 

Single, but not available

When you are single and unattached, people assume (albeit erroneously) that you have no commitments. People think that you can easily uproot yourself and come to their aid. People expect that you will be the party to bend over backwards at every circumstance. They demand like they own your time. They take like they have the right over your being and possessions. They quip about your aloneness like you will not be offended. You are the target of every wedding joke although you are the wallflower in every wedding.

People have these misconceptions because perhaps you allow them to have them. They know that you will give in and accommodate their "requests." They got used to you getting used to them. The more you do not care about your situation, the more they do not care about your situation. The more you pretend that these assumptions do not bother you, the more they will taunt you. The more you make yourself available to them, the more entitled they become.

Now Playing: Fix You by Coldplay

Happiness, not goals

In less than three months 2022 will be over. I have abandoned my initial goals midyear because of health scares, dire economic downturn, and relationship woes. But those goals were replaced by more compelling ones. I am in better shape now. I have become more aggressive with investing my money. I have become more selective with people I spend my time with. The bottom line is still happiness, but as we all know, there are several ways to feel happy.

The stoic in me always believes in memento mori, but not just remembering mortality, but that life is short. When I remind myself that "now" is all I have, I can easily distill the non-essentials. Sure, I still plan for meetings, travels, and contingencies, but if there is a better way to spend my time now, then everything else has to take the backseat. The essentialist mentality also allows me to ruthlessly edit my cravings, possessions, and other things I consume or keep. It makes letting go, tapping out, and turning down easy, guilt-free, and even satisfying to some extent.

I like this version of myself, and I aim to keep the momentum going. I do not have goals and deadlines anymore. I have practices and general direction. I will no longer view my life in years or any measure of time. At any given moment, I know I am capable of changing, growing, and deepening my reality. That I think is the essence of happiness -- it is not a goal, but a state or condition whereby a person knows she has everything that she needs.

More ideas, less me

I said I will not filter myself in this blog, but I think I should. 

I have been writing about myself, but nobody cares about my life. Heck, there is no one to impress here. No one visits this blog. This blog is unsearchable. My former followers/readers have all moved on. I no longer teach, so there are no snoopy students anymore. My friends have taken their self-promotion to some other social media platforms, where hashtags are superior and writing is not a requisite skill. I doubt if my family keep tabs on this blog. Everyone is busy and self-absorbed. 

In a space where I am free to express my views, why should I be limited to my own personal narratives? I should be more circumspect and ruminative about the topics and events I discuss here. I cannot be the next Seth Godin if I sound like a narcissist or a fake pundit. This is not the diary of a wimpy kid. This is the blog of someone who wants to change her mentality, her identity, her life. If I only echo my current thoughts and feelings without delving deeper into aspects like struggle, motive, conflict, historical antecedents, and other underlying themes, I may not fully grasp and appreciate the existence of such thoughts and feelings. I may miss out on the lessons of the past. I may just be recording my life and not the value it could bring to the world.

The path of least resistance

My friends would often ask, "When will you be back in Davao?" I know they mean when I will return for good. There has always been this impression or understanding that my relocation to Manila was just a temporary itch that I needed to scratch. Like an OFW had to earn money abroad so she can retire comfortably in her hometown. Like a Filipino migrates to get a green card, but eventually repatriates to enjoy her pension. Like money was the only reason why I left.

This understanding is misplaced. I moved because the opportunities for growth in Davao are limited. Although I formed solid friendships and professional networks there, my interests had expanded beyond what the city can offer. Once I had experienced what working with international lawyers and corporate teams felt like, I knew it is the world that I want to be part of. When I started meeting movers and shakers during my travels, races, and conferences, I wanted to be one. My eyes were opened to possibilities. I realized that the only thing stopping me from the life that I wanted is the fear of failure.

Davao is familiar and comfortable. It offers the path of least resistance. I was valuable and respected in my own circles there. The likelihood of failure is slim when you have friends and connections you can rely on. If I stay in this small pond, I could be one of the big fishes. 

But had I stayed in Davao, I would have already failed at what I could become by not trying. I would wonder if I got to where I am because of my own merit and abilities or because of someone's personal preference or good graces. I would have "what if" and "what does it take" questions looming over my head. I would have lesser appreciation for growing pains and small victories. 

I will stay in Manila for as long as it serves my purpose. If it becomes familiar and comfortable, I may also leave this place. One thing is certain though, I will always seek growth and I will never cower in failure. If that entails that I have to move again, then I will not hesitate to do so.

Now Playing: Try Everything by Shakira

Odd one out

Working during travels is hard. Keeping routines during travels is harder. Working and keeping routines while traveling with another person is the pits.

I hate the feeling of being accommodated. I am so used to living alone that I go about my ways without really thinking if they are "normal" by ordinary human standards. It is only when I get a brush with these standards that I realize that I am functioning at a level others would consider depriving, disciplined, or weird. 

Am I an inconvenience? Or am I being inconvenienced? If I sneak out of the hotel room to do my daily walks, will they mind? If I am still in my fasting period, am I a KJ if I tell them to go ahead and eat without me? If I talk about personal finance and books I have read, am I being a showoff? If I propose to spend more money to save on time, will I be considered out-of-touch?

"If you wish to improve, be content to appear clueless or stupid in extraneous matters." -- Epictetus

Note to self

Stop chasing guys who do not choose you. You know where that leads. Heart break. Emotional damage. Questioning your self-worth. Self-pity. Self-loathing. Doubting if you have ever loved. 

The worthy one will be strong, unwavering, persistent. He will see the real you and will accept you - flaws, faults, insecurities, weirdness, personalities, talents, potential, dreams, ambitions. Not piecemeal. All of you. The kind of commitment that you are willing to pursue. The kind of acceptance that you are willing to give. That is what you deserve. You may not believe it now, but he is out there.

"Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?"

"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve."

"Can we make them know they deserve more?"

"We can try."

- Charlie Kelmeckis and Bill Anderson, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Let's be honest

There are two sides to every story -- one is yours and the other is falsehood. You trust your belief until you are confronted by a compelling argument.

We do not reveal much of ourselves to new acquaintances. But if we start off on the wrong foot, how do we correct first impressions? How do we explain ourselves if/when we get caught? How do you tell someone that you were not being completely honest? Is there a difference between lying by omission and false representation? 

Truth is that which corresponds to reality. But what is reality? Is a smile not real? Are words not real? Are feelings not real? Do we tell lies because we are afraid or ashamed of the truth? Do we pretend to persuade others or to convince ourselves? Do we hide because we do not want to be seen or because we want others to dig deeper, investigate, and remain mystified? Are we not worthy of acceptance?

Did we dodge a bullet or just lose our chance to be happy?

Now Playing: Wrong Impression by Natalie Imbruglia

Conventional wisdom

I was in 7-11 when the person in front of me asked the cashier if the store has any remedy for diarrhea. He said that all pharmacies he went to were already closed. The cashier answered in the negative. The person then turned to us (other customers) and asked if based on conventional wisdom we know how to cure an upset stomach. I just stood there. My mind was blank. I was not helpful, knowledgeable, or curious.

I am not street smart. I do not know a lot of useful information. I have no strong opinions on issues. Sure, I was a girl scout (a cadette even) in high school, a staunch student leader in college, and a mountaineer for a time, but I can solve a quadratic equation faster than starting a fire. I can argue a case better than rallying the troops. I would rather search Google than recall information or make a calculated guess.

This is comforting and scary at the same time. It means I can change my mentality (and hence, my reality), but does it mean I lack conviction? It means I am open to new ideas, but does it mean I am easily manipulated? It means I rely on facts and verify them, but does it mean I discredit experience and emotions? 

Staycation with my girls

The long-planned, long-overdue staycation with my work friends finally pushed through this weekend. We had been planning to meet up ever since mobility restrictions were lifted. Some of us had already moved to other companies, but we stayed in touch through our GC and if our schedules permit, our weekly calls. We are at different levels of our careers and have different challenges in our personal lives, but our genuine interest in each other's stories is the glue that holds us together. 

We knew we wanted to visit IKEA (as some of us have never been there), so we booked a room at TRYP by Wyndham. In Google Maps, the hotel seemed within walking distance to most of our desired places to visit. Fourteen minutes to IKEA. Fifteen minutes to buffet restaurants. Nine minutes to Hypermarket. Two minutes to the nearest Starbucks. Boy were they all off!! Was Google using a Western person's stride length and cadence? Someone should recalibrate those travel times.

We had dinner at Gen Korean BBQ. The in-house band was superb. The food was fresh, hot, and fast (garlic soy chicken is a must-try!). Sadly, there were no desserts on the menu. We wanted to try Randy's Donuts, but the selection was limited, so we settled with Llao Llao's froyo. Actually, we did not "settle" like we had no other choice. We lined up for more than 30 minutes to get the treat. I'd say we really wanted froyo that bad. 

We then picked up a few essentials at the Hypermarket. By "essentials" I mean our pulutan of meats, cheese, and chips. I brought the bottle of rose that has been sitting in my fridge since January. I was reserving it for a joyful occasion and this meet-up felt like one. Time flew by so fast that night. If not for the mosquitos and the limited supply of alcohol, we would not have ended our chitchat and reminiscing. 

The next day, we fulfilled our IKEA dreams. The girls had their lunch at the store's restaurant, while I had black coffee to maintain my fasted state. We played a game -- who can resist the budol force of IKEA. For sure, hands down, I will win the game. I had roamed around IKEA before without buying anything; surely I can do it again. And I did.

The staycation was a success, we declared. We decided that we will have another one. Next time we will go to Tagaytay. We will save our stories and count the days until then.