A Gaping Chest Wound

Malaya used to tell me that the word "broken heart" is literally what it means. it is as if someone grabbed your heart from your chest and crushed it to pieces.

i finally, after years of quiet and selfish solitude, stepped out of my comfort zone to unequivocally ask a guy out. i would have appreciated a clear answer - say, a "yes" or a "no." but i got a "maybe" instead, which is like, in layman's parlance, an "i don't know" or "i'm not sure." and because i'm such a pessimist newbie in this game of mind-reading, i interpreted it as a "maybe" that is more inclined to "no," but it turned out to be a "maybe" which meant "yes-im-going-to-Just-Dance-but-not-because-you-invited-me." it's not only as if he grabbed my heart off my chest. it's as if he dropped a bulldozer and ran it across my chest 1000 times back and forth.

i read from a blog a few years back that "that’s the beauty about this mystery we are all meant to live–the fact that we go through joys and excitement and happiness— always, always, it seems, at the price of having to go through so much pain."

note to self: trust in the process, elaine. it will only make you stronger.