It's fascinating how years of existence did not change me one bit. It is as if I did not learn anything from my countless failures and reading of self-help books. It is as if my default is to self-sabotage. It is as if my fate is to be in a constant loop of shame and humiliation. It was definitely not my goal to put myself where people would question my sanity, credibility, and emotional condition, but I somehow always end up in that situation. I know that sounds cryptic and worrisome, but that's the most that I can share for now. Perhaps someday I will be brave enough to confront my demons, make sense of my past actions, and be able to openly talk about my version of events. For now, I am determined to be mindful of my daily thoughts and actions, so that the likelihood of lapses in judgment will be slim and regret will be few.
I am hitting 'refresh' on this blog to remind myself that life is still bright and beautiful. I want to document my follies and, if by any luck I make it to the end of this so-called life, redemption. I want to ruminate on my life on a daily basis and nip my mistakes in the bud. I want to practice stoicism to the point that it becomes second nature. I want to be conscientious and upstanding everyday.
I will not filter my thoughts here. Although I know it will be difficult, I will try to put into words what I feel and to find meaning and purpose for such feelings. I will try not to think or discuss so much about the future, as that can only make me anxious. I will focus on the here and now, because in the grand scheme of things, that is all we ever have.
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