I have been busy or what others call "distracted." The new routines require so much effort. That is normal and expected. However, I already have prior commitments and it is such a challenge to work around well established activities. I cannot just shift my pace and mentality in a snap. My brain does not function like a light switch. I need to build momentum and wind down at each junction. But I carry on. I do not want to fail, because I am terrible at forgiving myself. There are days when I just want to throw in the towel, literally and figuratively. There are days when things slip through the cracks gradually, and then suddenly. A never-ending cycle of disappointment and picking myself up. But that and my firm resolve that I want a better life are constant and certain. Also, there's taxes and death.
So work has been swell. Yes, swell. Not a typo error. I really hate performance and rewards season. I am not comfortable talking about my achievements and defending why I deserve a raise. It is my least favorite aspect of corporate life. Sometimes I would reflect and say, "Who cares about promotion? Who cares about achieving goals? Who cares about money?" But this is a necessary spoke in a company's wheel, so that the rats and hamsters will continue to outrun each other. So sad and for as long as I am part of the system, hopeless.
I am thinking of a profound metaphor for life to write here. But I cannot say that life is as insurmountable as climbing Mt. Everest or as drudgerous as the hamster wheel, because there are other ways of living and perceiving life. Maybe someday I will have an epiphany, turnaround and go downhill or step off the running belt, and finally escape this trap. Or I can continue looking at the bright side of things.
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