Six years ago today, I left my hometown to embark on a great adventure called self-love. I wanted to be free of the burden of pleasing my family. I thought I would be looking after our family home for the rest of my life. The look and feel of that house and everything in it made me lonely and sad. I did all kinds of errands for all of them -- I took care of their bills, taxes, and debts; I secured for them their school, church, work, and government documents; I reached out to friends and relatives as the official family emissary. I eventually realized that I did everything they asked of me because I was trying to prove that I am worthy of my family's love and attention. I had formed abandonment issues when they all left for the US (and Palawan for Ate Ching), which I am still healing from until today.
I went through the highs and the lows of starting over in my new place. It was hard to find real friends and it was even harder remaining friends with people I only met in the workplace or through a new network. The change gave me so much anxiety and self-doubt. For a time, I kept a facade of accomplishment, independence, and confidence. I did not want other people (my family most of all) to know that I was having a hard time and thinking that I made the wrong decision. It was only through vulnerability and honesty that I found real joy and real friends.
I still do some of those stuff for my family, but I no longer think of them as a burden. I do them because it is the least that I can do as a family member. I am no longer scared of losing anyone's love or feeling unwanted. For as long as I can choose how to live, I am right where I should be.
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Viktor E. Frankl
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